From a Mothers Perspective

I wanted to write a post from a “mothers point of view” mainly because I’ve been feeling like I blame myself I’m pretty sure that this is normal in some way. It isn’t my fault I got Incredibly ill, I didn’t choose to have an infection that most people carry, I never chose not nearly not make it.

In a way I hope other mummy’s and mummy’s to be understand where I’m coming from. I suppose its a mothers instinct right? I carried Violet around for 9 months I grew her and fed her nutrients I looked after her, I naturally gave birth to her. Imagine one day if that just got take all away from you. She’s a part of me and always will be and in a way that’s why I blame myself because if I’d have not got ill neither would she.

I know I shouldn’t think this at all as I understand it isn’t my fault, as a mother I think it  its natures way and a mothers instinct to protect your child.

It’s going to take a long time to come to terms and accept what’s happened something I’ll never “get over”. I keep trying to think positive and all of the good times rather than blaming myself about what’s happened.

I hope other mummy’s who have been through the same understand. If there is anyone out there that has or who can help please reach out to me.

‘Were taking one day at time’

Grace x

The Words You Never Want to Hear

October 2017

‘I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat’

The moment our lives fell apart and our hearts were shattered into a thousand pieces within minutes.

This the part of my story that no parent ever wants to here let alone go through, its been difficult to write these words, its acceptance that Violet is no longer here. The pain that came over us was and still is an incredible pain that could of happened to any one but no it happened to us. Why us? we didn’t choose for this to happen, so why us? No one deserves this pain not anyone. But why us? The answer we will never know.

Violet had not even entered the world she didn’t even see our faces, how would she know what we look like? Had she suffered? No she hadn’t she would of drifted off to sleep and never woke up. Losing a loved one it very difficult to cope with but its nothing like losing your child it is completely different a grandma or grandpa has lived has had an entire life time our daughter hadn’t. The pain stabs you in the heart of every second of every day, everything reminds you of what we don’t have. The new mum walking down the road with the pram, the fathers pushing there children on the swing in the park. We will never see these moments with our daughter.

We’d been in hospital now a good few hours, mainly waiting for baby B to make her appearance. Ill never ever forget this day this was the day that we got told our baby had no heartbeat, in the blink of an eye her heartbeat had gone just like that, for no reason.
The rest to me is pretty much a blur because I not only went into shock but I became very ill with Sepsis in some way maybe a good thing I don’t remember, maybe not.

My husband read the quote on the wall in the birthing suite to me which read

” 300,000 women will be giving birth with you today. Relax and breathe and do nothing else. Labour is hard work, and you can do it”

About 2 hours or so had passed now we were sat chatting in the room although I was shattered I was excited. My husband touched my forehand then asking me if I felt ok, my forehead and temperature had gone sky high he rushed and called the midwife in to check my temperature she felt my forehead then my legs, she looked at me and said your legs are cold I’m going to take you to be put on a monitor. I felt worried this doesn’t usually happen to me, maybe its because I’m so tired? a bit like when you have jet lag, I felt fine and not unwell. My husband calmed me down and said everything will be ok they will check baby’s heartbeat.

It never crossed my mind what she was about to say next..

The midwife picked up the round monitor piece to pick up Violets heart beat my heart just sunk she couldn’t pick it up, she tried with the Doppler nothing, there was nothing there. I knew straight away I could tell by the look on her face that she look concerned, she pressed the emergency button its like something I’ve watched on one born every minute something you wish never happens to you. More midwifes and doctors entered all looking very shocked and concerned. My husband held my hand as we waited. That moment I knew it’d gone I remember saying to my midwife who was stood at the end of the bed, I’m worried, please don’t tell me what your about to tell me.

The doctor brought in a machine which was a portable scan machine, he put the cold jelly on my stomach and started completing the scan, my midwife was touching my leg and looking upset ill never forget her face.

He picked up Violet on the screen, but no heartbeat, her heartbeat had gone.

After they looked at each other back and fourth the doctor confirmed from the scan that Violets heartbeat had gone. I will never forget there faces like any human being a wave of sadness came over everyone’s faces that stood in that room. They had no idea how and no idea why. I looked at my husband, he was extremely upset like any new father would be I lay there and we just hugged, we didn’t speak.

I cant remember much else because I just stared at the blank wall in front of me, I didn’t cry, I didn’t speak, I didn’t think about anything, I didn’t do anything I just lay there staring into space and the wall in front of me touching my bump knowing that Violet would not lead a life with us and how it felt like I had just died. They gave us some space and packed up the machine and left the room, they just left, to me like it was all over and that was the end.

Its so hard to come to terms with any of this it feels like a never ending nightmare, like I was watching down on myself and I would eventually wake up and everything would be ok and this nightmare would be over.

From here on I don’t remember anything only flash backs from the night and morning of me giving birth.

My body went into overdrive as my fever got worse, my body was trying to fight the Sepsis. My body was still being pumped with several IV drips, antibiotics and other medication. The hours had passed it was now night time. After this point I don’t remember anything until the delivery our daughter.

Janet and Angie our midwives became someone I will never forget, the period that they looked after me and helped delivery our sleeping beauty are moments that we will cherish forever.
The next few hours passed…


Putting on a Brave Face

November 2017

Its only been just over a month, some might say its to early yet to tell but from previous grieving experience I know I may need help and its ok not to walk around with a brave face on its also ok to have space from the world.

The one thing I do a lot and what I have been doing recently is ‘putting on a brave face’ especially the first few days when I was in hospital it was probably shock and a way to block out what had actually happened. I shouldn’t have to put on a brave face, its me that’s grieving, its me that this has happened to not you or anyone else. A lot of people may think I’m a strong brave person let alone do they know that deep down my heart has been shattered, my stomach is constantly feeling sick, lost and I’m not sure how I’m ever going to carry on living my life without my baby girl by my side.

Most of the time I don’t want to talk about what happened but I do want to talk about my daughter, the subject always ends up talking about what happened no matter how hard I try. I know people care and I know that people want to listen. sometimes I just need space and time alone. Its really difficult to smile sometimes and although I feel awful I will always try and break a smile.

I’ve learnt the last few weeks is Its ok not to be ok, Its ok to ask for help, Its ok to not be a social butterfly, Its ok to take time out and its ok to have an ‘ok’ day.

I’m sure if you have ever grieved before or been through a similar thing you understand what I mean you put a shield up when in the presence of others to hide the emotions that your feeling, I know I certainly do I know that’s ok for some of the time.

The link to the below song which I heard recently the words describe exactly how I feel. It makes me cry every time I hear this song.