How’s your baby?

Where do I start, there is actually no words to describe the pain. The pain of not having my baby by my side.

How’s your baby?

Errrr ‘I had a stillbirth’ the words I’ve not wanted to say for such a long time ~ is it acceptance that Violet has gone?

Yes.

To help me through my days of grief I’ve recently been reading a book called ‘saying goodbye’ by the wonderful author Zoe Clark-Coates this book has been written by Zoe who also has experienced loss. This book takes you on a path of 90 days walking through grief. In a post within the book it hits the nail on the head, something I wanted to blog about, others Mother’s being pregnant.

Before I was pregnant I never really noticed women with bumps, prams or children I did notice a little but never took any attention to it. During my pregnancy I noticed a few more things, now whilst I’m a mother and grieving I notice EVERYTHING!

It’s literally there being rubbed in my face 24/7!

~ adverts on the television

~ The instagram posts with newborns, births, baby clothes and bumps.

~ The lady who pulls up next to you in the car park she could of parked any out of the bays where I was parked but she had to pick the one next to me, out she pops all smiley with her newborn in the baby seat in the car.

~ The social media posts “We’re pregnant” “look at my bump” “not long till I’m due”

When I was pregnant I never announced my pregnancy on social media until a month before, one of the main reasons was because the year before in October my friend had a stillbirth. It scared me it was upsetting, I’d never cried like that before when I found out that her little girl had gone. We had decided to keep our pregnancy to family and friends only in a way i put myself in my friends shoes and thought what would I feel like if it was the other round? and I kept seeing posts of pregnancy announcements. Keeping it quite until we went on holiday a month before, we’d got through most of my pregnancy and didn’t think that now much could go wrong although it was something I knew happened. And it did……

As a bereaved parent I think about my daughter all the time every minute of every day, to see posts, news, tv adverts It’s absolutely soul destroying it’s not that I’m not happy for the new mums because I am I’m really happy it is the best thing that will ever happen to a woman, that bond when your baby is born is unbelievable it’s no love you can explain, it’s amazing and I’d do it 5 more times if I could!

I know what it’s like to become a mother and then your baby to be taken away from you within minutes and that’s what hurts so much I crave the love from Violet and long to hold her again in my arms.

I knew Violet would become my BFF and that connection for a mother and daughter would be an amazing feeling, it really does make me smile writing those words because although Violet is not here we have that connection. To see other mums with there babies especially friends or family its like no other pain I’ve experienced, deep down I’m craving for that bond again with my daughter.

Although I know I can’t hide away it’s something that I need to conquer and within time it will become easier for me and for all you bereaved parents too.

I hope this is helpful to you and gives you an insight on how grief can affect another mother or father. For now if I don’t congratulate you or like your post please don’t take it to heart because although I’m extremely happy I’m also heartbroken for me.

It’s ok for us bereaved parents to feel like this and we should certainly not feel guilty for feeling bad. It’s takes time to start feeling happy again.

One thing I’ve learnt is that all these people have babies and there is hope for all us other mothers too.

Do you have any tips or tools you use to help whilst grieving?

Grace xox

To speak or not to speak

A post on society’s actions whilst grieving & social media

If you saw me in public what would you do?

Would you say hi?

Would you ignore me?

Would you walk over and hug me?

Would you cross the street to avoid me?

Would you ask how I am?

I know what I would do if someone else was walking in my shoes, I would at least say hi and give a smile to that person.

Since grieving for the loss of our daughter I’ve found being ignored is one of the most common things. I do understand that most do not know what to say therefore don’t say anything and it can be just as upsetting for that person as well as it is for me, but being ignored or like nothing has happened is actually a lot worse. I know because this has happened many of times where people have looked at me then turned around and walked in a different direction. Now don’t get me wrong if I’m not feeling great I’ll always try and say hi but I may not stay and talk for me it’s difficult to leave the house let alone say hi to someone I think is going to approach me and ask about or where my baby is. Deep down my heart is broken so to walk around with a brave face on is hard it’s really hard so to feel like people can’t even say hi is difficult and upsetting. People have there own lives to deal with but please don’t act like nothing as happened either. Saying hi really does go a long way, there is no need for people to cross the street or ignore us because you don’t know what to say.

I’m not a big fan of social media but most recently it’s been my saviour. I have been connected with parents in a similar position to me and my god does it help! To see each other’s posts is comforting, we like & share each other’s photos of our baby’s. This is another point that has also come to light ~ sharing post’s.

Why is different for someone to post or share a post of someone who has had a baby & congratulate them? To someone who has had a baby who was born sleeping?

Non.

I know you maybe thinking well why would we? It could be upsetting? But there is no difference, us bereaved parents need that kind of support too. It may be upsetting but it’s also a thought. After speaking to other bereaved parents they told me they found that other mums who had have had baby’s had things put on social media by friends etc even when something had not gone to plan but not to this extent, congratulating them and saying how strong they are to go through what they have. I can honestly say that the parents I’ve spoken to haven’t had this. I can’t see why society can’t post or share things on social media or even tell there friends what a good job they are doing, I don’t mean splashing it all over social media but maybe a little “this is my friend and your doing amazing” It’s heartbreaking to hear stories from other parents.

It might sound big headed but I congratulate myself on the amazing thing I’m doing everyday wether that be getting out of bed and going to work or saying hello to someone I’ve not seen for a while. And you should too!

So here I am to make a stand to society to say WE are mothers too and do not be afraid to share, like and congratulate us on this difficult time we are going through we need the support and love!

To all the beautiful bereaved parents out there I wanted to let you all know you are doing amazing and we can get through this, it may takes months or it may take years but one thing I’ve learnt is to never lose hope.

Here to talk,

Grace & Violet xox

Happy International Women’s Day

Happy International Women’s day to all the wonderful women out there YOU are AMAZING!

Wether you are a baby girl, a young teen, a woman, a bereaved mother, a mother, a grandmother, a sister, an auntie, a great grandmother YOU are amazing! And it’s time today to give yourself the appreciation you deserve!

I want to clear one thing up women do not belong in the kitchen nor should we feel we work less than a male. Many of times have I heard this from a various amount of different people.

We are the woman who grow, not only as one person but as a person who grows our children. We carry them for 9 months, we look after them, we love them, we look after our husbands and partners we care for them. There are so many woman out there who have made such a massive impact on this world.

We may be celebrating this day but do you know why your celebrating it?

International Women’s Day ~ March 8 ~ is a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements. The day also marks a call to action for accelerating gender parity. Women’s International Day ~ IWD ~ has been observed since the early 1900’s ~ a time of great expansion and turbulence in the industrialised world that saw booming population growth and the rise of radical ideologies.International Women’s Day is a collective day of global celebration and a call for gender parity. No one government, charity, corporation, academic institution, women’s network or media hub is solely responsible for International Women’s Day

“The story of women’s struggle for equality belongs to no single feminist nor to any one organisation but to the collective efforts of all who care about human rights,”

International Women’s Day is all about unity, celebration, reflection, advocacy and action – whatever that looks like globally at a local level.

But one thing is for sure, International Women’s Day has been occurring for well over a century – and continue’s to grow from strength to strength.

Did you know there are different colours that signifies International Womens day?

Internationally, purple is a colour for symbolising women. Historically the combination of purple, green and white to symbolise women’s equality originated from the Women’s Social and Political Union in the UK in 1908.

Purple signifies justice and dignity.

Green symbolises hope.

White represents purity, but is no longer used due to ‘purity’ being a controversial concept.

The introduction of the colour yellow representing a ‘new dawn’ is commonly used to signify a second wave of feminism.

Thus purple with green represents traditional feminism, purple with yellow represents progressive contemporary feminism.

Reading this knowing that the colour purple symbolises women makes me fill with happiness that Violet’s name ~ the colour ~ represents women. I always knew my little Violet would be special and was brought into the world to make her mark 💜

Although we celebrate women all around the world we must take a moment to think about the women who have really made an impact I read an article some time ago about two women who really made a massive change to this world.

We must think about those women that never got help during pregnancy and stillbirths, it’s really upsetting to hear stories of the older generation who had to walk around with their baby that was no longer living in there stomach until they were 40 weeks pregnant and ready to give birth, I know someone personally who this has happened to.

In the mid 1970’s two women called Hazelanne Lewis who was a psychiatric social worker and a lady called Bel Mooney a journalist both gave birth to stillborn babies.

In this time period most mothers and fathers were not allowed to see or hold their babies or even take photos of their sleeping beauty, the parents did not get told where there babies were.

Using there professions they decided to share there stories around stillbirth, they contacted the national newspapers asking bereaved parents to share their stories too. This small step was the start to where baby loss support started. The amount of replies they received revealed the unrecognised support for bereaved parents upon the loss of their baby.

The National still birth study group was set up in 1977 as a result of these two wonderful strong women spreading the word and recognising the taboo around baby loss. Other support groups and various health professionals produced information booklets for bereaved parents, it was this that formed Sands.

Without these two women raising awareness, bereaved parents like myself would not have the support we do today although SANDS is a well known baby loss charity it’s not big enough. 1 in 4 women lose a child that’s a massive number a massive number that needs to be reduced support charity’s like Sands need to be more recognised.

This charity is amazing and has helped me through the last few months, today I’m proud of myself. The last two days I’ve progressed in my journey I’ve conquered some fears that I really didn’t want too, I’ve not only conquered fears today but I’ve conquered fears since my daughter was born sleeping. Some things are massive but seem small to others, I amaze myself each and every day, I honestly don’t know how I get up in a morning and get through each day. I do everything to make my daughter proud and that’s what keeps me going.

If I can do it so can you!

My daughter would of been and is my best friend and my mini me, I surround myself with people who light my fire not people who throw water at it. I spend my time with the woman who inspire me and lift me up not those who drag me down ~ I watched a video by Will Smith who taught me that~ I thank all my female friends and family who are standing tall by my side.

So today I want you to think of the things you’ve achieved wether it be something small or something big even if you are reading this and you haven’t lost a child. You a woman and you are amazing you should be proud of yourself.

“I’ve never seen a strong person with an easy past”

Grace xx

Below is a link to the Sands website for more on the story above.

https://www.sands.org.uk/about-sands/media-centre/news/2018/03/sands-support-bereaved-women-international-womens-day

Fathers, it’s ok to talk

Hello to all you males, each and every single one of you wether you are a bereaved father a father or not a father.

Today I bought our local paper, something caught my eye, a photo on the front page of a very smiley bald headed man who is one of our friends. The local paper had decided to publish the sad story of our friend who sadly passed away in May last year, something that devastated the whole friend group.

Although it’s really emotional to read what happened to our friend, I hope it brings some awareness to all you males out there that it is ‘ok to talk’.

Our good friend sadly passed away after an incident which was a cry for help.Our friend is the reason why I am writing this post.

There is so much stigma around stillbirths it’s something no one ever wants to discuss but I never see much being posted from the fathers do they find it hard to discuss? I find the fathers always get forgotten about, they are grieving too.

A couple of nights ago me and my husband were cuddled up on the couch me in tears for the third night in a row, we had a chat about how we were both feeling. I mentioned I wasn’t feeling great and after our review on Wednesday it left me feeling really empty and that I will never know the real reason why I got an infection and where it came from, my husband had told me he was feeling the same way. We had a conversation about other things, whilst talking he had said to me about how he felt like the fathers always get left out, I agreed with him!

Our partners, the fathers to our children do get left out, they grieve too so why do they get forgotten about?

As a male, our partners, fathers to our children they want to stand by us well as going through the emotional side just like us, they want to be the strong person (its male instinct after all) who we can cry too, scream at when we feel like we are drowning in heart ache, cuddle when we feel low and most of all feel protected by the horrible world us bereaved parents currently live in. It’s not possible for a male to do all of this, AND cope with grief. Each father that goes through losing a child will grieve and grieve in there own way, i have read so my articles and posts where men think it’s ok not to talk about the way they feel. Well it’s not ok it’s so much worse than you think, as a female most of us find it natural to talk about the way we feel, for bereaved fathers and males it’s a different story.

Bereaved fathers go through grief just like us mothers do, after having different conversations with different people it came to light that people thought a mother goes through the grieving processa lot more than a father and is different to a father grieving. I understand that a father hasn’t carried a baby round for 9 months but that doesn’t mean to say they aren’t grieving personally I think it’s just as heartbreaking for them as it is for us. We carried our child round for 9 months, we no longer feel them move, we no longer can hold them and feel connected like we did when they were just a tiny bump to being born which is an unbearable pain for us and all the father wants to do is take the pain away and make everything better by bringing back our sleeping angel they don’t want to see there wife/partner in this pain of heartbreak, moping around like our life is never going to be the same, unhappy and feeling we may as well give up now because the one happy thing we had has been taken away. This is exactly how I feel and I know my husband does not want to see me this way and it breaks his heart even more because all he wants to do is help me and be able to turn back time, change that one day I went into labour and bring our daughter back to earth as well as coping with grief himself.

So yes I do think that fathers grieve the same amount but a different type of grief. They should be able to come to us and speak out about how they feel and us a partners and mothers should be holding our partners just like they do to us.

From experience It is not good too keep feelings trapped in and pretend that things are ok, because let’s face it there aren’t. And people would be stupid if they thought because you acted ‘ok’ that you actually are! Holding emotions and feelings in can lead to a various amount of issues including separation from there partners, depression, stress and mental health issues.

Our friend is the third person I know that committed suicide either as a cry for help or a way to leave their life behind.

This post isn’t just for bereaved parents it’s for any one who is battling grief in a different form, depression, stress, stress at work, separation from a loved one or something that you can’t shift out of your mind and to let you know it is ok to talk! I hear so many stories of people taking there own live because they feel it’s the best option I have also heard people say ” it’s selfish that people commit suicide” well it’s not for that person who has taken there own life brings great courage to even decide to do it in the first place, but if they had someone to speak too, open up and know they are not alone about how they feel and the reason behind why they wanted to do this we could stop so many deaths a year making the world a happier place to live in.

So how is mental health defined?

Everyone will go through periods when they feel emotions such as stress and grief, but symptoms of mental illnesses last longer than normal and are often not a reaction to daily events. When these symptoms become severe enough to interfere with a person’s ability to function, they may be considered to have a significant psychological or mental illness. Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life. Mental health which is a variety of conditions such as eating disorders or being effected by grief affects 1 in 4 people, mental health takes a massive toll in daily life as well as having long term effects which can lead into health problems and even suicide.

It’s heartbreaking to think that most men (and females) think you can’t talk about the way you feel well you can and I urge you to speak out and talk about it wether you are a bereaved father, father, partner or neither It could be the smallest thing you want to talk about to something which you have been trying to battle with for days, months, years it takes great strength for someone to talk about the way they feel.

To all the men out there, the fathers to our children, our husbands, boyfriends, partners, friends & soul mates thank you for those who have already had the courage to speak to up, open up and show your emotions and feeling to us it takes great courage and you are loved for it.

“it’s ok to talk”

To show your support copy this link to your profile and show support to all the fathers and people coping with mental health issues out there and let them know ‘it is ok to talk’!

I’m also here to listen

Grace & V xx

To our friend we miss you dearly and hope you are looking after our precious angel Violet xox