A subject that divides the ‘normal’ people and the ‘bereaved parents’.
“You need to move on and be happy” it’s been 9 months now and grief is still there isn’t hasn’t yet packed it’s bags and said good bye. It won’t, not ever.
A massive set back for me at the moment is feeling like I will never be happy. I feel like I’m living two different lives with a devil on each shoulder battling it out. The whole world is just passing by with me trying to just mope through each day that arrives. It’s difficult and it’s something I don’t expect any one to ever understand because unless you’ve personally been through it I don’t think you ever will. I have all the intentions of putting my self through some things I don’t really want to even though I do, see there it is again the devil on my shoulder.
For instance I want to socialise but I find it hard sitting their laughing, trying to be happy even though behind my face I’m absolutely heartbroken and feeling like the whole world is about to swallow me up. I just can’t enjoy myself know matter how hard I try, I have zero interest in everything.
Everyone around me is laughing at the things in theirs lives the things that use to make me smile the things that use to make me laugh. But now I can’t, I can’t sit at laugh at things it’s like I’ve lost the meaning of live and fun! When I see families out and about or photos of friends and people with their young children it hurts, because that should be me, it will be one day again I know but now it’s living a life without Violet.
I can picture myself laughing and smiling but then stopping myself from doing so. It’s so hard to understand and to tell someone this because no body gets it. I’m pretty sure to everyone they think I’m being pathetic but it’s not it’s a massive deal. It’s so frustrating for me because one thing I really want but it’s the hardest thing to do.
Changing your mind set is really difficult to start thinking about the positives it’s mentally draining but then something stops you….
I do it because I want to try and I want to do for Violet. She wouldn’t want to be unhappy she has given us things life to be happy about it and care for she’s given us hope which we never thought we would have. Grief comes in stages the stages don’t follow suit nor does each stage go and not come back. It might arrive and stay for 3 months, it might go. I’ve come a long way on the path of grief and I know this is one of the stages I must conquer…..
Grace xox
Colours Of A Rainbow 