Happy International Women’s Day

Happy International Women’s day to all the wonderful women out there YOU are AMAZING!

Wether you are a baby girl, a young teen, a woman, a bereaved mother, a mother, a grandmother, a sister, an auntie, a great grandmother YOU are amazing! And it’s time today to give yourself the appreciation you deserve!

I want to clear one thing up women do not belong in the kitchen nor should we feel we work less than a male. Many of times have I heard this from a various amount of different people.

We are the woman who grow, not only as one person but as a person who grows our children. We carry them for 9 months, we look after them, we love them, we look after our husbands and partners we care for them. There are so many woman out there who have made such a massive impact on this world.

We may be celebrating this day but do you know why your celebrating it?

International Women’s Day ~ March 8 ~ is a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements. The day also marks a call to action for accelerating gender parity. Women’s International Day ~ IWD ~ has been observed since the early 1900’s ~ a time of great expansion and turbulence in the industrialised world that saw booming population growth and the rise of radical ideologies.International Women’s Day is a collective day of global celebration and a call for gender parity. No one government, charity, corporation, academic institution, women’s network or media hub is solely responsible for International Women’s Day

“The story of women’s struggle for equality belongs to no single feminist nor to any one organisation but to the collective efforts of all who care about human rights,”

International Women’s Day is all about unity, celebration, reflection, advocacy and action – whatever that looks like globally at a local level.

But one thing is for sure, International Women’s Day has been occurring for well over a century – and continue’s to grow from strength to strength.

Did you know there are different colours that signifies International Womens day?

Internationally, purple is a colour for symbolising women. Historically the combination of purple, green and white to symbolise women’s equality originated from the Women’s Social and Political Union in the UK in 1908.

Purple signifies justice and dignity.

Green symbolises hope.

White represents purity, but is no longer used due to ‘purity’ being a controversial concept.

The introduction of the colour yellow representing a ‘new dawn’ is commonly used to signify a second wave of feminism.

Thus purple with green represents traditional feminism, purple with yellow represents progressive contemporary feminism.

Reading this knowing that the colour purple symbolises women makes me fill with happiness that Violet’s name ~ the colour ~ represents women. I always knew my little Violet would be special and was brought into the world to make her mark 💜

Although we celebrate women all around the world we must take a moment to think about the women who have really made an impact I read an article some time ago about two women who really made a massive change to this world.

We must think about those women that never got help during pregnancy and stillbirths, it’s really upsetting to hear stories of the older generation who had to walk around with their baby that was no longer living in there stomach until they were 40 weeks pregnant and ready to give birth, I know someone personally who this has happened to.

In the mid 1970’s two women called Hazelanne Lewis who was a psychiatric social worker and a lady called Bel Mooney a journalist both gave birth to stillborn babies.

In this time period most mothers and fathers were not allowed to see or hold their babies or even take photos of their sleeping beauty, the parents did not get told where there babies were.

Using there professions they decided to share there stories around stillbirth, they contacted the national newspapers asking bereaved parents to share their stories too. This small step was the start to where baby loss support started. The amount of replies they received revealed the unrecognised support for bereaved parents upon the loss of their baby.

The National still birth study group was set up in 1977 as a result of these two wonderful strong women spreading the word and recognising the taboo around baby loss. Other support groups and various health professionals produced information booklets for bereaved parents, it was this that formed Sands.

Without these two women raising awareness, bereaved parents like myself would not have the support we do today although SANDS is a well known baby loss charity it’s not big enough. 1 in 4 women lose a child that’s a massive number a massive number that needs to be reduced support charity’s like Sands need to be more recognised.

This charity is amazing and has helped me through the last few months, today I’m proud of myself. The last two days I’ve progressed in my journey I’ve conquered some fears that I really didn’t want too, I’ve not only conquered fears today but I’ve conquered fears since my daughter was born sleeping. Some things are massive but seem small to others, I amaze myself each and every day, I honestly don’t know how I get up in a morning and get through each day. I do everything to make my daughter proud and that’s what keeps me going.

If I can do it so can you!

My daughter would of been and is my best friend and my mini me, I surround myself with people who light my fire not people who throw water at it. I spend my time with the woman who inspire me and lift me up not those who drag me down ~ I watched a video by Will Smith who taught me that~ I thank all my female friends and family who are standing tall by my side.

So today I want you to think of the things you’ve achieved wether it be something small or something big even if you are reading this and you haven’t lost a child. You a woman and you are amazing you should be proud of yourself.

“I’ve never seen a strong person with an easy past”

Grace xx

Below is a link to the Sands website for more on the story above.

https://www.sands.org.uk/about-sands/media-centre/news/2018/03/sands-support-bereaved-women-international-womens-day

Fathers, it’s ok to talk

Hello to all you males, each and every single one of you wether you are a bereaved father a father or not a father.

Today I bought our local paper, something caught my eye, a photo on the front page of a very smiley bald headed man who is one of our friends. The local paper had decided to publish the sad story of our friend who sadly passed away in May last year, something that devastated the whole friend group.

Although it’s really emotional to read what happened to our friend, I hope it brings some awareness to all you males out there that it is ‘ok to talk’.

Our good friend sadly passed away after an incident which was a cry for help.Our friend is the reason why I am writing this post.

There is so much stigma around stillbirths it’s something no one ever wants to discuss but I never see much being posted from the fathers do they find it hard to discuss? I find the fathers always get forgotten about, they are grieving too.

A couple of nights ago me and my husband were cuddled up on the couch me in tears for the third night in a row, we had a chat about how we were both feeling. I mentioned I wasn’t feeling great and after our review on Wednesday it left me feeling really empty and that I will never know the real reason why I got an infection and where it came from, my husband had told me he was feeling the same way. We had a conversation about other things, whilst talking he had said to me about how he felt like the fathers always get left out, I agreed with him!

Our partners, the fathers to our children do get left out, they grieve too so why do they get forgotten about?

As a male, our partners, fathers to our children they want to stand by us well as going through the emotional side just like us, they want to be the strong person (its male instinct after all) who we can cry too, scream at when we feel like we are drowning in heart ache, cuddle when we feel low and most of all feel protected by the horrible world us bereaved parents currently live in. It’s not possible for a male to do all of this, AND cope with grief. Each father that goes through losing a child will grieve and grieve in there own way, i have read so my articles and posts where men think it’s ok not to talk about the way they feel. Well it’s not ok it’s so much worse than you think, as a female most of us find it natural to talk about the way we feel, for bereaved fathers and males it’s a different story.

Bereaved fathers go through grief just like us mothers do, after having different conversations with different people it came to light that people thought a mother goes through the grieving processa lot more than a father and is different to a father grieving. I understand that a father hasn’t carried a baby round for 9 months but that doesn’t mean to say they aren’t grieving personally I think it’s just as heartbreaking for them as it is for us. We carried our child round for 9 months, we no longer feel them move, we no longer can hold them and feel connected like we did when they were just a tiny bump to being born which is an unbearable pain for us and all the father wants to do is take the pain away and make everything better by bringing back our sleeping angel they don’t want to see there wife/partner in this pain of heartbreak, moping around like our life is never going to be the same, unhappy and feeling we may as well give up now because the one happy thing we had has been taken away. This is exactly how I feel and I know my husband does not want to see me this way and it breaks his heart even more because all he wants to do is help me and be able to turn back time, change that one day I went into labour and bring our daughter back to earth as well as coping with grief himself.

So yes I do think that fathers grieve the same amount but a different type of grief. They should be able to come to us and speak out about how they feel and us a partners and mothers should be holding our partners just like they do to us.

From experience It is not good too keep feelings trapped in and pretend that things are ok, because let’s face it there aren’t. And people would be stupid if they thought because you acted ‘ok’ that you actually are! Holding emotions and feelings in can lead to a various amount of issues including separation from there partners, depression, stress and mental health issues.

Our friend is the third person I know that committed suicide either as a cry for help or a way to leave their life behind.

This post isn’t just for bereaved parents it’s for any one who is battling grief in a different form, depression, stress, stress at work, separation from a loved one or something that you can’t shift out of your mind and to let you know it is ok to talk! I hear so many stories of people taking there own live because they feel it’s the best option I have also heard people say ” it’s selfish that people commit suicide” well it’s not for that person who has taken there own life brings great courage to even decide to do it in the first place, but if they had someone to speak too, open up and know they are not alone about how they feel and the reason behind why they wanted to do this we could stop so many deaths a year making the world a happier place to live in.

So how is mental health defined?

Everyone will go through periods when they feel emotions such as stress and grief, but symptoms of mental illnesses last longer than normal and are often not a reaction to daily events. When these symptoms become severe enough to interfere with a person’s ability to function, they may be considered to have a significant psychological or mental illness. Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life. Mental health which is a variety of conditions such as eating disorders or being effected by grief affects 1 in 4 people, mental health takes a massive toll in daily life as well as having long term effects which can lead into health problems and even suicide.

It’s heartbreaking to think that most men (and females) think you can’t talk about the way you feel well you can and I urge you to speak out and talk about it wether you are a bereaved father, father, partner or neither It could be the smallest thing you want to talk about to something which you have been trying to battle with for days, months, years it takes great strength for someone to talk about the way they feel.

To all the men out there, the fathers to our children, our husbands, boyfriends, partners, friends & soul mates thank you for those who have already had the courage to speak to up, open up and show your emotions and feeling to us it takes great courage and you are loved for it.

“it’s ok to talk”

To show your support copy this link to your profile and show support to all the fathers and people coping with mental health issues out there and let them know ‘it is ok to talk’!

I’m also here to listen

Grace & V xx

To our friend we miss you dearly and hope you are looking after our precious angel Violet xox

Living a Life Without

As a parent you never imagine living a life without one of your children.

I never imagined Violet not being here living a life with out her is a daily battle. From thinking what she would look like now at 3 and a half months, to hearing her laugh, if she would keep us all night like I did when I was a baby, to memories of when I was pregnant, to feeling upset seeing my friends with there baby’s and children, living a life without is something which has become a “new normal”.

I sit writing this post our cat sat on the arm of the chair my husband laying on the sofa watching a movie, the snow falling outside. It’s so crisp and white outside it’s falling on the chimney tops, my house smells like the wonderful flowers I bought which are all purple including pink small roses, daffodils and tulips. I love flowers, I would have my house covered in them and flowers symbolises our daughter Violet.

My life has changed so much, the ‘new normal’ is different and difficult to deal with. I don’t want to go out of the house although it makes me moody being stuck in. I want to see my friends, I want to go out and I want to have fun but I don’t want to feel guilty.

It’s a difficult one, everyone is leading a normal life now in way like it never happened or it’s all over. There isn’t a day goes by that we don’t think of Violet it’s only been nearly 4 months. For us time stands still for everyone else time moves on. Everything reminds me of Violet, when I was pregnant I would look in my mirror to picture her sat in the back in the car seat we bought, I still do i look over my shoulder in the car to see her not there, from the lady pushing a pram with her new born in, my friends and the people I know with there babies and children, my creative box which has my baby shower decorations in, photos of baby’s with cards saying “1 month old” the women announcing there pregnancy, the women being congratulated on giving birth, hearing a heartbeat – this hurts I heard a heartbeat of a baby earlier this week, a lady who is pregnant, hearing that heartbeat for me brought back so many memories so much pain, the tears started to fill up in my eyes hearing that heart beat of another baby took me back to the time I was lay on the bed through out the 9 months hearing Violets little heart beat it took me to the last time I heard it in the hospital whilst in labour and then the memory of never being able to hear it again. One minute it was there next it wasn’t.

I’m jealous there is no other way to put it “I’m jealous” I’m jealous because I can’t do this I can’t spend time with my baby and I can’t show her off like I want to. It’s learning to live with these constant reminders, half the time I want to curl up wrap myself in cotton wool and wake up in 9 months pregnant with our next child. It’s not going to happen, I can’t lead a life where I hide from everything and everyone.

I drive myself insane, I think about the constant reminders I think about what I would be doing now if Violet was here, her first giggle, her first steps, her first word, her first hair cut, her first day at school, what she would be like when she’s older, what would she be studying? Would she be intelligent? Would she get married, have children. I didn’t plan on leading this life. My thoughts take me back to being pregnant with Violet oh how I would love to be pregnant again i would love to give Violet her brother or sister sooner than we had hoped for it’s something that crosses my mind every day.

I drive myself that insane I decided to meet up with our bereavement midwife Louise who is someone that has now become a part of our life and helps me with my grieving process.

How do you feel ” I feel lost and empty” “I’m sorry” I start to cry, don’t apologise there is nothing to say sorry for. Are you embarrassed to cry? “I suppose I am, I’m not a crier, I don’t like to show my emotions in front of other people I’m not ‘that type’ of person”

Louise replied with “There is no ‘type’ of person”.

It made me realise that I get told a lot of the time I even say it myself I’m ‘that type of person’ ‘I’m strong’ but what is a ‘type’ of person? There isn’t one we are WHO we are. Yes I’m a strong person and yes I can remain positive but that doesn’t mean to say I’m not suffering because I ‘look’ ok.

I’ve met so many other mothers in a similar position to me, mainly through social media, it’s been good to talk as they know like me what it’s like to loose a child. Social media has become a part of my grieving process it’s been a way to reach out to other mothers, share my story, raise awareness and be proud of our daughter. I will always share photos of Violet on social media just like I would if she was here. Everyone else shares photos of there children so why can’t I? Attention seeking, your wrong.

It’s something I thought about last night when I was writing my previous post was words that get said when baby’s are born and one thing I’ve noticed that happens.

‘Congratulations’

The word everyone feels they can’t say because my baby was born sleeping but it’s actually something that I feel should be said to us bereaved parents, congratulations on bringing your child into this world born sleeping or alive. Everyone else says it,

‘congratulations, your baby is beautiful’ ‘Well done on giving birth’ ‘the cutest photos’ ‘you make an excellent mummy’

Soooo because my baby was born sleeping you can’t say this?? Because if so I won’t bother saying it either.

No instead us bereaved parents get

‘I’m sorry’ ‘my heart breaks for you’ ‘I feel your pain’ ‘I’m sorry you have to go through this pain’

I don’t want these type of comments ‘I’m sorry’ sorry for what exactly? I know this is something I’ve said on my previous post but it’s something I don’t understand, your sorry I have to go through this pain, so I am but I never chose to go down this path in life! I know people care and I know people don’t know what to say, for me it makes my heart sick, my heart beat faster and my eyes to start filling up with tears because we don’t have the same words “I’m so happy for you” “she’s beautiful” “we can’t wait to meet her” we also don’t have people sharing photos and congratulating us or saying how proud they are, it’s a subject that no one wants to talk about! You don’t know how much I want these positive words said to me and our daughter, I want to remain positive, I want to stand tall and be proud, I am proud I gave birth to our beautiful sleeping beauty and I congratulate myself on doing this and us becoming a mother and father.

Last night I spoke to a lady who I thought I’d met but I actually haven’t, this lady is a midwife at the birthing centre where I gave birth. Something she had said to me was;

“Your story has touched everyone who works here, you should be really proud of yourself, your blog is beautifully written, as I’ve said you are an amazing woman and mother” “remember after the storm comes a Rainbow”

These words are words that will stick with me forever and when I feel down I will re read this message to remind myself how well I’m doing, how proud I should be and how I am an amazing MOTHER!

In life with have obstacles, obstacles that are here to test us and they have certainly put us to the test!

“Remember after the storm comes a rainbow”

I hope you are right….day by day

Giving Birth To Our Sleeping Beauty

I was so nervous, I was so nervous about giving birth I don’t know why as I’d built myself up for this day and prepared my mind with a variety of techniques, I’d done breathing excerises and hypnobirthing most of the way through my pregnancy which was meant to help. This went allll out the window!

I never realised how incredibly ill I was until now, now that I’m out of hospital. Its scary to think as well as losing my baby I very nearly could of died, if I wasn’t in good health and my heart wasn’t as good as it is I wouldn’t be sat here writing this blog.

This is the part that I would of liked to have remembered, as painful as it was I always wanted to remember the birth of our daughter, unfortunately its something I don’t remember with only flash backs from different times during the birth.

After I got told my baby had no heartbeat they left me alone for a while to go into natural labour, after some time I was then induced (or I think that’s what happened).

I got wheeled into a room where a met my bereavement midwife Janet, Janet was lovely she made me feel comfortable and got us settled in. I don’t remember much I remember eating a dry cheese sandwich which I had to force down because I really had no appetite at this point which you don’t when your in labour, feeling like a whale and your stomachs contracting like crazy! I remember being laid on the bed saying my back hurts, over and over again. I was in so much pain it was unbearable I have never felt pain like it. It was like someone was stabbing me in my lower back with a needle. I was uncomfortable for hours lay in bed I remember asking my midwife if she could sit me up more, I kept complaining I was in so much pain, my back hurt, I was sliding down and off the bed. She made me feel as comfortable as possible, I was in that much pain nothing would of helped.

The hours had passed and people had been coming in and out all afternoon and night checking on me, topping up my drips, checking my oxygen level, taking tonnes of blood something I hate I’m not a fan of needles and I hate having my blood done it makes my toes curl!

They had brought in a bed for my husband to have a sleep on we had been awake now for several hours, I was falling asleep in and out. My husband had said to me if you need me shout for me I’m only here.

Few hours had passed…..

The time had come to start the process of delivery, Janet my midwife prepared me for delivery and explained what I needed to do. I was still in and out of consciousness so it was difficult to concentrate but Janet guided me all the way. It’s so difficult to remember, being on that bed and having to start pushing a baby out with hardly any contractions is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. Although I knew Violets heartbeat had gone I was excited to see what she looked like and to hold her for the first time. I always thought to myself I can’t wait to hear her first cry when she’s born, it’s like something you see on television something that 9/10 usually happens. I was heartbroken I wouldn’t hear her cry I never will, I’ll never know what she sounds like, I’ll never know if she heard us talking to her when she was born and when met we became a family for the first time.

After some time and a constant time of pushing with not much happening my midwife called for a doctor. The doctor who completed my scan with Violet who explained she had no heartbeat entered the room with other midwives. At this point I was gone, I can only remember snippets.

I’m pretty sure they induced me even more than I already was at this point, the doctor called for another doctor who entered she was female but I couldn’t tell you what she looked like. She asked me to let them know when I had a contraction and to push, time had passed my contractions had stopped My body was giving in although I was still trying to push, Violet had made no movement down. I had become very ill and my body was starting to shut down they induced to the maximum they could but nothing worked. My heart rate was sky high, One of the midwives I think it could of been Janet placed an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth to help me breathe. My husband mentioned to me afterwards that my heart rate was so high the veins on the side of my neck were popping out. He’s never seen anything like it and that if they went for the de-fib machine on the wall he knew he’d lost me and Violet.

I just lied there through it all with absolutely no emotion and no feelings, it was like a part of me had died too and that I no longer had a purpose.

As it came to the last push Janet had now finished her shift she kindly asked us if she could stay and meet Violet. We were so pleased she wanted to as she had been one of the midwives that had and was going to look after us. She held my hand I looked at her and said “I can’t do this, I can’t” “it’s all my fault” why do you keep saying that she replied, because “I carried my baby I made her ill” she reassured me and held my hand a little harder.

My husband held my other hand whilst the doctor explained if Violet wasn’t born on the next try I would be prepped for a c-section although they had told us that It would be too risky to have one due to the infection and my heart rate being so high. But if it came to it I would have to and take the risk of being put to sleep wether I would wake up or not would be down to my body fighting the sepsis.

A few minutes later both doctors tried with forceps the biggest forceps I’ve ever seen I was hoping that they wouldn’t have to use them, but knowing my baby would be a long baby I had been warned already that they do use them if necessary.

They tried, nothing, nothing was happening at this point. The next thing I remember is the doctor trying again with forceps and dragging her out the pain was over it’s like I’d forgotten about it already.

Violet was born, blood went every where all over me and all over the doctor. My husband had said it looked like it had been thrown all over the room and he’s surprised he didn’t faint at the amount there was. As the midwives were tying to clean up around him, the doctor asked what her name was replying “Violet Esme”. Janet cried “she’s beautiful”. She was placed onto my chest and my husband cut part of the cord. It was the best feeling in the world. I screamed and cried her little long body was warm but cold at the same time. I just couldn’t believe what had happened we had become parents for the first time. The midwife pulled up my nightie which I’d been wearing the whole time because they didn’t have time to take it off and I’m glad as I felt uncomfortable being complete naked even though I was about to give birth. Her pinky white coloured skin touched mine she was so long and she was beautiful just like we thought with the most amazing lips. Her face had been cut with the forceps the doctor explained that because Violet wasn’t alive the skin is different and doesn’t heal the same as a living newborn.

The doctor and midwives had left us alone for a few minutes whilst we had some time as a family, I looked up and the doctor was crying he had tears rolling down his face as he left the room, my second bereavement midwife Angie was also crying as she left the room, I just couldn’t believe what had happened.

My husband touched my head and gave me a kiss, we took some photos of us together as a family. I was still holding Violet by this point I didn’t want to let her go I was being very protective. The doctor explained he was going to place some stitches where I had torn, I still had Violet in my arms at this point. Ouch that hurt, the little stabbing pain was where he had injected me it’s the only pain I can remember!

How much does She weigh? I don’t know Grace because you’ve had hold of her all this time. Angie weighed Violet she’s 8.2lb a lovely size and very long. She was so long her little legs went over the edge of the scales she was wrapped in a towel and placed back over to my husband.

She was so cute she looked so peaceful and so cuddly, she was perfect and she was and always will be our daughter.

As I was then assisted onto another bed I was moved into the observation room where I was then looked after by Angie. I was moved here due to the Sepsis I still had a few IV drips and would be on antibiotics for the next few days.

Our hearts had been melted, Violet was perfect, she was so beautiful and she was ours. Violet had changed me into a mother and the person I am today.

The next few days became a whirl wind of emotions, realisation and living a life without Violet.

Our sleeping beauty who we miss every single day, a little human we made who we will love forever.

Colour Of A Rainbow

Violet Esme YOU are our special little girl who brought life into this world you shine your love and touch so many hearts, you are the colour of a rainbow. We see you when it rains and when the sun is shinning.

I don’t know if you were giving us a sign I remember seeing Rainbows all the time when I was in late pregnancy, I saw one on the day of my baby shower, two on our way to the birthing centre the day I was in labour and two the day after we said good bye to you on your first and second journey.

I hope one day you will bless us with a ‘rainbow’ baby which will be your little brother or sister maybe it was a sign all along?

Every time I see a rainbow it makes me smile and comforting to think you will be watching over us. Please keep giving us these little signs.

I promise to keep you alive from my heart, every day is a ongoing struggle but when I became a mother to you you changed my whole world and you always will. When I have a bad day or I get upset because I miss you so much or I think about all the times we should be spending together, the two of us and as a family of 3, I think about you, you remind me to stay positive, to think about the time we spent as a family, the moment we met for the first time. You remind me we have to stick together as a family wether you are here or not.

We love you and miss you Violet more than words can describe I hope one day we can meet again but until then remember we love you to the moon and back 💜

Mummy & Daddy

xox

‘Others’

For the ‘other’ people in my life

Someone said to me recently ‘you always think of others’ your right I do I not only think about myself I think about every one else too. I put myself in there shoes and my own, I try to see it from both sides, from my side the grieving mother and from there side the not grieving parent or someone who has gone through a similar thing. Hopefully bringing some comfort to those ‘other’ people to make them aware that #youarenotalone

When I decided to write my story on my blog, set up my Instagram and my Facebook page firstly I was nervous that I would get back lash and harsh comments to why I have shared my story, or it’s upsetting other new parents. I never realised how much response I would get which wasn’t my main aim, my main aim was to raise awareness and spread the word about the infections I had.

I can honestly say I am overwhelmed with how many people have contacted me, shared there story, said thank you to me, told me I’m brave, said I have given them courage and inspiration to get up in a morning. Something I never thought I would get or was my aim.

I started to tell my story to make other parents aware, to raise awareness and hopefully help at least one baby.

I find comfort from telling my story and raising awareness, you “others” are what makes me write, you make me feel like I’m doing Violet proud, you make me get up in a morning and carry on my day. Some of my ‘others’ have now turned into my friends, thank you.

So Thank you to my “others”

And remember #youarenotalone

Grace x

That Funny Little Thing Called Grief

Coping with grief & the “not knowing how to approach it situation” the subject no one wants to talk about

Grieving is something that happens no matter what when a loved one is lost, in our case our daughter. Something I hoped I would never have to feel and something which we will never just “get over”.

I feel sometimes like I’m not grieving because I’m not staying in bed until noon, crying at every thing in sight, not being able to leave the house, hating everyone and feeling angry, at times its confusing unless you’ve lost a child I’m not sure this will feeling will ever be explained. In a way its like that part of you is stuck in a moment in time which I feel 99% of the time.

Everyone is effected in different ways, don’t get me wrong I’ve had my fair share of days in bed, sitting in Violets bedroom crying hours on end, not being able to leave the house, hiding and doing 5 laps around the super market just to avoid someone so they don’t ask me and I have to say the words ‘Violet was born with no heartbeat’ this for me would be accepting that she has gone something I don’t want to have to say or accept.

Sorry if I’m about to offend anyone on the below post but….

Lets face it I’ve been told many of times “your baby is too beautiful for earth” really? is she?! that’s funny because you never met her, you never bonded with her, yes she’s beautiful but I want and need her with us not in the sky above some where. Does that mean that all the other babies on this planet are ugly and not beautiful enough to die??

‘God needed another angel’ funny because he didn’t ask you for yours!

I’m shocked how people say things but don’t realise its actually upsetting, to us bereaved parents things are taken more sensitive than usual.

“is it like you’ll get over it” ?

“you’ll never ‘get over it’ ” ?

Yes your right ill never ‘get over it’ my daughter was here who lived and breathed on this planet she may not be here right now but she was for a short period of time.

These are the words that do not help the situation and us bereaved parents quite frankly don’t want to hear!

Grief

Sometimes the cause of the stuckness isn’t the grief itself, but the fact that you don’t even recognize that you’ve lost something and that you need to grieve.
Grief doesn’t fit in a box, either. Some forms of grief take years to work through, other types take a few solid months, some take a single moment of deep acknowledgement.
Everyone grieves differently and for different reasons, but one thing remains constant in the process. It’s the one thing no one has ever said about grieving:
“I did it right on time.” Grieving is marked by a lag, a delay, a freezing, “Wait. What just happened?”
One moment you feel you’ve fully moved past something, the next moment it’s right back in front of your face.
That’s because grief is insidious, imposing and demands to be felt. Even if you’re able to somehow avoid it all day long, grief comes back to you in your sleep. It’s laying right on your heart as you wake up.

Grief doesn’t say, “I’ve been here long enough, I think it’s time for me to leave.”
No. Grief crowds the heart, eats up all your energy and chronically imposes upon your peace. But grief isn’t some evil force that’s only there to cause pain, grief is escorting up an even deeper feeling, a truth about your life, what you value and what you need. Perhaps how much you wanted something, how deeply you care about someone, how far you’ve come from where you were.
Grief is a funny little thing and something no one person can avoid when something tragic in someone’s life happens.

Grief takes along time to go away, ongoing support is essential from people around. There is always that moment when news has been given that a baby has passed away, being in this situation as a bereaved mother you find that no one wants to approach the situation, that feeling you get when there’s an elephant in the room. Ongoing support from people around is to talk about it when the time is right, say the right thing, be kind & be sensitive – put yourself in our shoes.

No need to cross the street when you see us, a ‘hi’ goes along at this time of need.

Help and support is available for anyone who isn’t sure on how to approach such sad news or for more advice on understanding what us bereaved parents are going through and help for anyone who needs it.

https://www.sands.org.uk/family-and-friends

Grief you funny little thing I hope one day you make it easier for us….

From a Mothers Perspective

I wanted to write a post from a “mothers point of view” mainly because I’ve been feeling like I blame myself I’m pretty sure that this is normal in some way. It isn’t my fault I got Incredibly ill, I didn’t choose to have an infection that most people carry, I never chose not nearly not make it.

In a way I hope other mummy’s and mummy’s to be understand where I’m coming from. I suppose its a mothers instinct right? I carried Violet around for 9 months I grew her and fed her nutrients I looked after her, I naturally gave birth to her. Imagine one day if that just got take all away from you. She’s a part of me and always will be and in a way that’s why I blame myself because if I’d have not got ill neither would she.

I know I shouldn’t think this at all as I understand it isn’t my fault, as a mother I think it  its natures way and a mothers instinct to protect your child.

It’s going to take a long time to come to terms and accept what’s happened something I’ll never “get over”. I keep trying to think positive and all of the good times rather than blaming myself about what’s happened.

I hope other mummy’s who have been through the same understand. If there is anyone out there that has or who can help please reach out to me.

‘Were taking one day at time’

Grace x

The Words You Never Want to Hear

October 2017

‘I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat’

The moment our lives fell apart and our hearts were shattered into a thousand pieces within minutes.

This the part of my story that no parent ever wants to here let alone go through, its been difficult to write these words, its acceptance that Violet is no longer here. The pain that came over us was and still is an incredible pain that could of happened to any one but no it happened to us. Why us? we didn’t choose for this to happen, so why us? No one deserves this pain not anyone. But why us? The answer we will never know.

Violet had not even entered the world she didn’t even see our faces, how would she know what we look like? Had she suffered? No she hadn’t she would of drifted off to sleep and never woke up. Losing a loved one it very difficult to cope with but its nothing like losing your child it is completely different a grandma or grandpa has lived has had an entire life time our daughter hadn’t. The pain stabs you in the heart of every second of every day, everything reminds you of what we don’t have. The new mum walking down the road with the pram, the fathers pushing there children on the swing in the park. We will never see these moments with our daughter.

We’d been in hospital now a good few hours, mainly waiting for baby B to make her appearance. Ill never ever forget this day this was the day that we got told our baby had no heartbeat, in the blink of an eye her heartbeat had gone just like that, for no reason.

The rest to me is pretty much a blur because I not only went into shock but I became very ill with Sepsis in some way maybe a good thing I don’t remember, maybe not.

My husband read the quote on the wall in the birthing suite to me which read

” 300,000 women will be giving birth with you today. Relax and breathe and do nothing else. Labour is hard work, and you can do it”

About 2 hours or so had passed now we were sat chatting in the room although I was shattered I was excited. My husband touched my forehand then asking me if I felt ok, my forehead and temperature had gone sky high he rushed and called the midwife in to check my temperature she felt my forehead then my legs, she looked at me and said your legs are cold I’m going to take you to be put on a monitor. I felt worried this doesn’t usually happen to me, maybe its because I’m so tired? a bit like when you have jet lag, I felt fine and not unwell. My husband calmed me down and said everything will be ok they will check baby’s heartbeat.

It never crossed my mind what she was about to say next..

The midwife picked up the round monitor piece to pick up Violets heart beat my heart just sunk she couldn’t pick it up, she tried with the Doppler nothing, there was nothing there. I knew straight away I could tell by the look on her face that she look concerned, she pressed the emergency button its like something I’ve watched on one born every minute something you wish never happens to you. More midwifes and doctors entered all looking very shocked and concerned. My husband held my hand as we waited. That moment I knew it’d gone I remember saying to my midwife who was stood at the end of the bed, I’m worried, please don’t tell me what your about to tell me.

The doctor brought in a machine which was a portable scan machine, he put the cold jelly on my stomach and started completing the scan, my midwife was touching my leg and looking upset ill never forget her face.

He picked up Violet on the screen, but no heartbeat, her heartbeat had gone.

After they looked at each other back and fourth the doctor confirmed from the scan that Violets heartbeat had gone. I will never forget there faces like any human being a wave of sadness came over everyone’s faces that stood in that room. They had no idea how and no idea why. I looked at my husband, he was extremely upset like any new father would be I lay there and we just hugged, we didn’t speak.

I cant remember much else because I just stared at the blank wall in front of me, I didn’t cry, I didn’t speak, I didn’t think about anything, I didn’t do anything I just lay there staring into space and the wall in front of me touching my bump knowing that Violet would not lead a life with us and how it felt like I had just died. They gave us some space and packed up the machine and left the room, they just left, to me like it was all over and that was the end.

Its so hard to come to terms with any of this it feels like a never ending nightmare, like I was watching down on myself and I would eventually wake up and everything would be ok and this nightmare would be over.

From here on I don’t remember anything only flash backs from the night and morning of me giving birth.

My body went into overdrive as my fever got worse, my body was trying to fight the Sepsis. My body was still being pumped with several IV drips, antibiotics and other medication. The hours had passed it was now night time. After this point I don’t remember anything until the delivery our daughter.

Janet and Angie our midwives became someone I will never forget, the period that they looked after me and helped delivery our sleeping beauty are moments that we will cherish forever.

The next few hours passed…

 

Putting on a Brave Face

November 2017

Its only been just over a month, some might say its to early yet to tell but from previous grieving experience I know I may need help and its ok not to walk around with a brave face on its also ok to have space from the world.

The one thing I do a lot and what I have been doing recently is ‘putting on a brave face’ especially the first few days when I was in hospital it was probably shock and a way to block out what had actually happened. I shouldn’t have to put on a brave face, its me that’s grieving, its me that this has happened to not you or anyone else. A lot of people may think I’m a strong brave person let alone do they know that deep down my heart has been shattered, my stomach is constantly feeling sick, lost and I’m not sure how I’m ever going to carry on living my life without my baby girl by my side.

Most of the time I don’t want to talk about what happened but I do want to talk about my daughter, the subject always ends up talking about what happened no matter how hard I try. I know people care and I know that people want to listen. sometimes I just need space and time alone. Its really difficult to smile sometimes and although I feel awful I will always try and break a smile.

I’ve learnt the last few weeks is Its ok not to be ok, Its ok to ask for help, Its ok to not be a social butterfly, Its ok to take time out and its ok to have an ‘ok’ day.

I’m sure if you have ever grieved before or been through a similar thing you understand what I mean you put a shield up when in the presence of others to hide the emotions that your feeling, I know I certainly do I know that’s ok for some of the time.

The link to the below song which I heard recently the words describe exactly how I feel. It makes me cry every time I hear this song.

https://youtu.be/KbUbT1MNQNY

#teambanham