“How are you?”

Since becoming a mother and a bereaved one I feel that no one wants to understand what it’s like to walk in our shoes and of course you don’t, you don’t want to know what it’s like to have something every one else has got or have that missing piece cut out of your heart. We don’t just get up one day and go oh wait I feel ok that’s it, it’s all over my grief has gone and I’ve completely forgotten I’ve got a daughter in heaven. Therefore everyone then thinks, back at work, going out she MUST be ok, well we’re not and from no on it’s time to start saying how I really feel instead of covering it up and thinking too much of everyone else feelings rather than mine own!

This is where this post began!

Support is something through the loss of a baby or a loved that we as humans rely on. Its also something that some of us don’t receive. In fact 90% of don’t, We might think we do but do we?

Walking for me down a path of baby loss is really difficult it also is a very lonely place. Once Violet had passed away i was gifted with thank yous, ‘I’m here for you’, ‘If you need anything let me know’ I know its only natural for this to happen and I’m really really grateful for the amount of love that was shown I know people said it because they care. But one day it just goes away like that it goes from millions of messages to nothing. Everyone has there own lives and I would never expect everyone’s lives to be put on hold for me. People DO forget because our loss is not your loss so this eventually goes to the back of everyone’s minds that’s only natural as humans.

The most hurtful thing whilst going through loss is no one talks about our children and no one asks how we are, ok so my daughter is not here yes she passed away so I understand it could be difficult for you to talk about as what would you talk about? but we talk about other children so why not mine? I wonder how many people know my daughters age today? I wonder how many people remember when her birthday is?

Just because I get up or go to work or even see you out some where does not mean to say I’m ok, because I’m not. You see the person on the outside, the smile on my face, the clothes I wear to dress like I’m having a “good day” the brave face that covers my aniexty, depression, grief and the loss of my daughter that is eating away inside of me. You won’t see this part of me because you probably never asked a genuine question of “how are you?”. I will never open up to those who don’t sit down with me and truly ask how I am, because you know what you might be scared to ask, you might get upset or have mixed emotions, you might think I don’t want to upset her what’s worse is when it’s not asked directly, I’m the one who has to get up every day with grief over my head and a label stuck to my forehead stating “that’s that woman who lost a baby”

Some times I do need a bit of shove and yes you will probably have to make the first move as I can honestly say I hardly message any one not because I don’t care because I do my family and friends mean the world to me, it’s because I have no energy. I use all my energy to get up in a morning and get myself dressed it might sound pathetic to you, for me it’s a massive achievement. I spend all my time and energy at work I come home exhausted with a mix of different emotions with a black cloud hanging over my head, Friday appears and all I want to do is stay at home with my husband and where Violet is rested. It will take me a really long time to stop grieving although I never will. It’s a really lonely place and some times we just need that push.

See there’s a difference supporting some one it could be sending a message “how are you”

Your most probably sat on social media, so what about a message ‘Are you ok’? Or a comment on a post, a like or share? ( this is another thing that gets me – everyone comments on photos of new borns and couples but not on my baby or us, Why? Because it’s upsetting for you? Well my baby is my baby and always will be and we must be some of the strongest couples out there, if that was my friend, relative I would be shouting from the rooftops that that person or baby is amazing and strong, So yes I want to share, like and comment because it hurts more when people don’t because your too scared (and I don’t mean that in a way of “I want attention ” because I don’t.)

A phone call ‘fancy a coffee and chat’?

A letter or card through the post

People show love and care in different ways, my mum for instance she always leaves me little presents around my house some times I don’t even notice them until a couple of days later recently she left me a little sign which quote “gnome sweet gnome” and left us a new washing up sponge! This is my mums love language and something that makes me smile every time I see it.

This is one time in our lives when we need people around, we need people to try and understand, we don’t want people saying “just crack on and have another baby” or “you just need to get on with it”, “move on” this is not support this is hurtful words!

We won’t always open up and we may say “I’m not up-to it today” but that’s because we may want to be alone, or having a bad day it’s not because we’re being awkward or “we don’t make the effort” it just might be that it’ll take a couple of times for us to say “yes ok” it’s just nice to be thought of remember it takes a lot for us to go out, I get anxiety every time I have to go some where even just going to work. I went to the supermarket yesterday and saw a family friend, some one who I haven’t seen for over 10 years. I automatically went like a cat in head lights but rather than him walking away and ignoring me he said “how are you?” “I don’t know what to say but we think about you” straight away my barriers fell right down, I knew I could have a conversation about Violet and what had happened and that’s where the difference lies.

To over come the fear of “I don’t want to upset anyone” or “I don’t know what to say” is to say something.

“You will never conquer the fear unless the fear is faced”

So say it and make it easier for us both.

It’s been 7 months now since Violet was born and I’m very grateful for the people in my life who have helped me through, give me a little push or have genuinely meant the word “I’m here for you” I honestly would be lost without them. I want you to talk about Violet MY daughter and I want you to take about loss I want people to be proud that us bereaved parents are doing the public and other parents out there proud! Remember if you feel worried about asking “how Are you” then don’t because your not the one grieving or having to go through loss we are and that’s more upsetting.

Sands recently put together a video which shows what it’s like to be us for part of a day, I hope this video brings some light into what we have to go through or help anyone understand.

https://youtu.be/wPovVrRSRlY

Grace & Violet xox

Having A Purpose

What’s your purpose in life?

Is it to survive in this world?

Or is it to put food on the table, work are arses off for that holiday, house or new car? Provide for our family’s?

In life we aren’t told what purpose is ours someone doesn’t say to us your purpose is this and that’s all you’ll do your whole life, it’s comes across us when we least expect it.

We simply don’t know our purpose until something happens, that could be a job you’ve been trying so hard at to accomplish which leads you into a job that your made for you, you just never knew it or a project you want to make work so badly because you know it will help others. It could be realising your niche for something you never even realised you had and now makes a massive impact on the world.

We just don’t know…..

For a very long time since I was a child I wanted to do everything to help others in a way that would make me smile and make me feel positive too knowing that I’ve helped another person. I knew this because when I was younger I wanted to be a nurse or vet but then realised I actually faint at the sight of blood! (Ask my dad he will tell you a funny story about when I took my pet to the vet!) since these options were out of the question I turned to beauty, beauty was a skill I could easily pick up and help others in a therapy way, (although now I deal with people on a daily basis in a different way) after all I hated school and hated sitting in a boring class room looking at a board.

My problem has always been with others, I expect to much I’m kind to people but why are they not kind to me? Because not everyone is the same as me or kind. You can’t give something to expect it back, life doesn’t work like that! Being kind is a pretty big thing, it’s hard to have and hard to give. I can not tell you how times I’ve been out and done the smallest act of kindness once I told a lady in the que in a shop I liked her shoes her face lit up like she’s never had a compliment before. I held the door open for an older man once he turned to me and said “no one these days does any sort of kindness especially not holding the door open”. I was really surprised.

Since having Violet I’ve realised she was brought into my world to give me purpose, to carry on my acts of kindness and to help other people in my situation. She is my special little girl and I knew from day she was born she would be.

I do everything for her she MAKES me get out of bed every day even when I don’t want to, makes me walk down the path I’m on even if it is a very difficult path of grief and heartache. Violet was brought into my life to show me I can be strong and I can do what I’m best at helping others, raising awareness and being the Voice that people will hear. Baby loss is now something very close to my heart so many people have contacted me to say “thank you” for spreading your story, raising awareness and being the voice we all want to hear it’s all very brave. My bereavement midwife recently contacted me and reminds me every time we speak how she can’t believe how far I’ve come in such a short period of time and how if she could I would walk the path of helping us like her with baby loss. We need more people in the world to be the voices of society with out everything becomes a taboo, just like baby loss.

I will do everything in my power and carrying on being the voice Violets wants me to be to help others, support them and tell my story to others to let them know “we are not alone”.

My question is what’s your purpose in life? Or is it simply just to survive….

Grace xox

Returning to Work

One of things I had planned in my mind was that I would be returning to work by March. Although it would have only been 4 months on I was determined I would be going back and leading a life of ‘new normal’ not only for me but to prove to myself and make my daughter proud that I could carry on with my new ‘normal life’ I knew deep down I would drive myself insane staring at the same four walls on my own in the house the home where I SHOULD be spending my time off with Violet. A lot of people had said don’t push yourself to go back take the time off, I did NEED the time off and I did NEED time to come to terms with what had happened. But I also NEED time to get back into a routine something I was really lacking.

Returning to work was not something on my mind at all I can honestly say I was dreading it, I didn’t know how I would feel especially if I was asked the dreaded words of

‘your back, hows the baby?’

I had visited my place of work to see my colleagues just before Christmas, not long after I had given birth. I had decided I needed to conquer a fear of seeing everyone, it had only been a month or so since i had seen a few of my work colleagues as Violets funeral I didn’t like the fact they saw me in that situation, shock and upset and I’m sure those images will never leave there mind because they will never leave mine.

I had planned to pop in and say hello, it took me a good few days to get ready and to prepare myself for what was about to happen and the fear of what I was about to conquer. It seems really petty to others I suppose in a way that they don’t understand to why it would bother me going into work and seeing everyone but whilst grieving its a massive thing!

I got in my car and set off shaking as I pulled up outside I knew I was only visiting and I could leave at any point. Walking into that building made my stomach fill with sickness, I should of been walking in there showing my new born baby to my work friends and being congratulated, hugged with happiness and cuddling little Violet instead I got asked a million questions on what happened, why I had couldn’t have a c-section, how I got so poorly, why Violet had died. I know people only asked because they care but for me to walk in was a massive achievement even if it was just visiting. My eyes filled up with tears as I hid away in my friends office as people came to say hello. It was nice to see everyone and everyone was very caring about what had happened but it still broke my heart with so much pain. It felt like I was walking on air and as I left i cried all the way home, it brought back so many memories, memories of when I worked there. I hadn’t even gone back to work and all I kept thinking was this is too soon.

The weeks were passing by and I felt more and more like I was going know where that time was standing still but everything else and the world was moving forward. Once we had got into February I was waiting for my review to be complete and find out some reasons why Violet had died. After this was complete I would be returning to work.

The day had arrived my first day back at work, I had prepared myself all week for this day and I knew it would be SO difficult, my god it really was! I pulled up in the car for 9am after everyone had started, i just sat there and cried I was shaking, I felt sick, I was hot and wanted to turn the car right around again and drive home. I kept reminding myself ‘Grace its only been 4 months and you’ve got in the car that’s an achievement in its self’ I messaged my friend at work saying I was here, she came out to get me and sat in the car with me and reassured me that I didn’t have to come in. After having a good cry to let it all out I left the car and walked into work, I said hello to the people I saw, although I felt like no one knew what to say. In ways it was good to feel that I hadn’t left as nothing had changed my job was the same so it was easy to fall back into it. I stayed with the lady who covered my job whilst I was off staying a few hours I decided to leave. I had spoke to my manager and discussed my options of when and how many days I wanted to work deciding I would return back on 4 days a week.

My first full day back at work I felt like I had a label stuck to my forehead reading ‘avoid me’  I do understand and do see things from other peoples point of view not just mine. I know people don’t know what to say but to avoid me completely is just as heartbreaking. When they saw me sat back on reception it was like Id always been there. I know I’m not the same person I used to be, I May not laugh at your jokes, I wont smile as often but I will put a face to cover my grief whilst in work. It’s so difficult to enter that building every single day I honestly cant tell you the anxiety it causes, I put myself through this pain and I do it for a reason. I know full well if I had the full 12 months off like I’m entitled to it would of been more of a struggle, i also didn’t want any longer off as I knew at some point I was hoping to be off again with a second pregnancy which was something Id already made my manager aware of, he was very heartfelt about my decision and said he would be very pleased if it was to happen again. Everyone at work was very caring and kind I could tell what had happened had really touched peoples hearts.

As the weeks passed by at work it was very tiring and very draining trying to return to daily life. Id spent the first few weeks of being off after giving birth in bed half crying for hours on end, I was totally drained. I suffered with headaches, dizziness and just felt awful it was like when you start a new job and your taking in all the new information there giving you!

Work was going well, I turned up every day (even though I do get high anxiety which is going to take a long time to go away) went my usual routine and completed my work and came home. Somethings were really difficult I knew full well what would happen, I sort of prepared myself for it but wasn’t sure how I was going to feel. The dreaded words had been said

“Aww your back already, hows the baby?”

I had said to my bereavement midwife not long before what will I say when someone asks me? how will I feel? what will I do? will I cry? will i feel nothing?

That time had arrived one of our couriers didn’t know I was back, they asked me that dreaded question. I filled up with anxiety, my chest went red, my eyes filled with tears. I decided the words I was going to say if anyone asked was “I had a little girl who was stillborn” after a few stares around the room the words came out of my mouth. The response I got was “I’m sorry”. They usually just stared at me blankly, which was fine I knew they wouldn’t know what to say because neither did I.

I sit at my desk at the front of the building, I am the first face everyone sees, I must be happy and smiley because that’s who I am (here’s where being able to put on a brave face comes in handy!) my desk is the same, everything’s the same apart from me I’m not the same, no bump, no baby just a grieving mother with a label stuck to her forehead. I sit there looking around and down to my stomach, last time I sat in this chair I was 9 months pregnant I certainly didn’t see myself sat back in this chair after 4 months the memories flood back, how exciting it was it wasn’t long until I’d be leaving and not coming back for at least a year! I’m honestly not sure how I will cope with another pregnancy and being at work it will certainly bring back memories of my pregnancy with Violet this will be another fear to conquer. I sometimes sit there and want to bang my head against the wall, why me? This pops into my head every day every time I see the new mummy’s with there newborns.

The days at work are passing by but theirs always one thing that comes up to push me over the edge. The sound, conversations and photos of other colleagues children and babies, honestly it’s heartbreaking for me. I can’t avoid it and I’m very happy for everyone around me who has a family but it causes so much pain something I knew was going to happen but I never thought how I was going to feel. I’ve rarely heard a baby cry and I’ve never heard my own daughters so to hear someone else’s when I’m sat in work brings back a thousand memories, I wish I could switch off completely. I have learnt to be kind to myself and when these situations arise to take myself away from the moment.

It was so strange because it’s only now I feel like I’ve been accepted back into my place of work, at first no one said anything only one person who stood next to me and said “I’ve not seen you yet and I wanted to tell you how nice it to have you back and to see you, and I hope you are ok” These words mean ALOT when you literally feel like shit most of the time. Maybe it’s partly my fault but I will never apologise for not smiling and for grieving. It’s difficult for me to start a conversation because I’m petrified, I’m petrified someone is going to mention something which will send me over the edge, I have no interests, I don’t know what to talk about anymore. Being a very chatty person then turning into someone quite is tough I’m trying to be two different people, which is constantly draining.

Tank you to my work colleagues for being kind and understanding following my path of grief xox

Work has become a usual routine now, get up, work, come home. Now moving forward to the day I walk in that building again with a baby in my arms.

How’s your baby?

Where do I start, there is actually no words to describe the pain. The pain of not having my baby by my side.

How’s your baby?

Errrr ‘I had a stillbirth’ the words I’ve not wanted to say for such a long time ~ is it acceptance that Violet has gone?

Yes.

To help me through my days of grief I’ve recently been reading a book called ‘saying goodbye’ by the wonderful author Zoe Clark-Coates this book has been written by Zoe who also has experienced loss. This book takes you on a path of 90 days walking through grief. In a post within the book it hits the nail on the head, something I wanted to blog about, others Mother’s being pregnant.

Before I was pregnant I never really noticed women with bumps, prams or children I did notice a little but never took any attention to it. During my pregnancy I noticed a few more things, now whilst I’m a mother and grieving I notice EVERYTHING!

It’s literally there being rubbed in my face 24/7!

~ adverts on the television

~ The instagram posts with newborns, births, baby clothes and bumps.

~ The lady who pulls up next to you in the car park she could of parked any out of the bays where I was parked but she had to pick the one next to me, out she pops all smiley with her newborn in the baby seat in the car.

~ The social media posts “We’re pregnant” “look at my bump” “not long till I’m due”

When I was pregnant I never announced my pregnancy on social media until a month before, one of the main reasons was because the year before in October my friend had a stillbirth. It scared me it was upsetting, I’d never cried like that before when I found out that her little girl had gone. We had decided to keep our pregnancy to family and friends only in a way i put myself in my friends shoes and thought what would I feel like if it was the other round? and I kept seeing posts of pregnancy announcements. Keeping it quite until we went on holiday a month before, we’d got through most of my pregnancy and didn’t think that now much could go wrong although it was something I knew happened. And it did……

As a bereaved parent I think about my daughter all the time every minute of every day, to see posts, news, tv adverts It’s absolutely soul destroying it’s not that I’m not happy for the new mums because I am I’m really happy it is the best thing that will ever happen to a woman, that bond when your baby is born is unbelievable it’s no love you can explain, it’s amazing and I’d do it 5 more times if I could!

I know what it’s like to become a mother and then your baby to be taken away from you within minutes and that’s what hurts so much I crave the love from Violet and long to hold her again in my arms.

I knew Violet would become my BFF and that connection for a mother and daughter would be an amazing feeling, it really does make me smile writing those words because although Violet is not here we have that connection. To see other mums with there babies especially friends or family its like no other pain I’ve experienced, deep down I’m craving for that bond again with my daughter.

Although I know I can’t hide away it’s something that I need to conquer and within time it will become easier for me and for all you bereaved parents too.

I hope this is helpful to you and gives you an insight on how grief can affect another mother or father. For now if I don’t congratulate you or like your post please don’t take it to heart because although I’m extremely happy I’m also heartbroken for me.

It’s ok for us bereaved parents to feel like this and we should certainly not feel guilty for feeling bad. It’s takes time to start feeling happy again.

One thing I’ve learnt is that all these people have babies and there is hope for all us other mothers too.

Do you have any tips or tools you use to help whilst grieving?

Grace xox

To speak or not to speak

A post on society’s actions whilst grieving & social media

If you saw me in public what would you do?

Would you say hi?

Would you ignore me?

Would you walk over and hug me?

Would you cross the street to avoid me?

Would you ask how I am?

I know what I would do if someone else was walking in my shoes, I would at least say hi and give a smile to that person.

Since grieving for the loss of our daughter I’ve found being ignored is one of the most common things. I do understand that most do not know what to say therefore don’t say anything and it can be just as upsetting for that person as well as it is for me, but being ignored or like nothing has happened is actually a lot worse. I know because this has happened many of times where people have looked at me then turned around and walked in a different direction. Now don’t get me wrong if I’m not feeling great I’ll always try and say hi but I may not stay and talk for me it’s difficult to leave the house let alone say hi to someone I think is going to approach me and ask about or where my baby is. Deep down my heart is broken so to walk around with a brave face on is hard it’s really hard so to feel like people can’t even say hi is difficult and upsetting. People have there own lives to deal with but please don’t act like nothing as happened either. Saying hi really does go a long way, there is no need for people to cross the street or ignore us because you don’t know what to say.

I’m not a big fan of social media but most recently it’s been my saviour. I have been connected with parents in a similar position to me and my god does it help! To see each other’s posts is comforting, we like & share each other’s photos of our baby’s. This is another point that has also come to light ~ sharing post’s.

Why is different for someone to post or share a post of someone who has had a baby & congratulate them? To someone who has had a baby who was born sleeping?

Non.

I know you maybe thinking well why would we? It could be upsetting? But there is no difference, us bereaved parents need that kind of support too. It may be upsetting but it’s also a thought. After speaking to other bereaved parents they told me they found that other mums who had have had baby’s had things put on social media by friends etc even when something had not gone to plan but not to this extent, congratulating them and saying how strong they are to go through what they have. I can honestly say that the parents I’ve spoken to haven’t had this. I can’t see why society can’t post or share things on social media or even tell there friends what a good job they are doing, I don’t mean splashing it all over social media but maybe a little “this is my friend and your doing amazing” It’s heartbreaking to hear stories from other parents.

It might sound big headed but I congratulate myself on the amazing thing I’m doing everyday wether that be getting out of bed and going to work or saying hello to someone I’ve not seen for a while. And you should too!

So here I am to make a stand to society to say WE are mothers too and do not be afraid to share, like and congratulate us on this difficult time we are going through we need the support and love!

To all the beautiful bereaved parents out there I wanted to let you all know you are doing amazing and we can get through this, it may takes months or it may take years but one thing I’ve learnt is to never lose hope.

Here to talk,

Grace & Violet xox

Happy International Women’s Day

Happy International Women’s day to all the wonderful women out there YOU are AMAZING!

Wether you are a baby girl, a young teen, a woman, a bereaved mother, a mother, a grandmother, a sister, an auntie, a great grandmother YOU are amazing! And it’s time today to give yourself the appreciation you deserve!

I want to clear one thing up women do not belong in the kitchen nor should we feel we work less than a male. Many of times have I heard this from a various amount of different people.

We are the woman who grow, not only as one person but as a person who grows our children. We carry them for 9 months, we look after them, we love them, we look after our husbands and partners we care for them. There are so many woman out there who have made such a massive impact on this world.

We may be celebrating this day but do you know why your celebrating it?

International Women’s Day ~ March 8 ~ is a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements. The day also marks a call to action for accelerating gender parity. Women’s International Day ~ IWD ~ has been observed since the early 1900’s ~ a time of great expansion and turbulence in the industrialised world that saw booming population growth and the rise of radical ideologies.International Women’s Day is a collective day of global celebration and a call for gender parity. No one government, charity, corporation, academic institution, women’s network or media hub is solely responsible for International Women’s Day

“The story of women’s struggle for equality belongs to no single feminist nor to any one organisation but to the collective efforts of all who care about human rights,”

International Women’s Day is all about unity, celebration, reflection, advocacy and action – whatever that looks like globally at a local level.

But one thing is for sure, International Women’s Day has been occurring for well over a century – and continue’s to grow from strength to strength.

Did you know there are different colours that signifies International Womens day?

Internationally, purple is a colour for symbolising women. Historically the combination of purple, green and white to symbolise women’s equality originated from the Women’s Social and Political Union in the UK in 1908.

Purple signifies justice and dignity.

Green symbolises hope.

White represents purity, but is no longer used due to ‘purity’ being a controversial concept.

The introduction of the colour yellow representing a ‘new dawn’ is commonly used to signify a second wave of feminism.

Thus purple with green represents traditional feminism, purple with yellow represents progressive contemporary feminism.

Reading this knowing that the colour purple symbolises women makes me fill with happiness that Violet’s name ~ the colour ~ represents women. I always knew my little Violet would be special and was brought into the world to make her mark 💜

Although we celebrate women all around the world we must take a moment to think about the women who have really made an impact I read an article some time ago about two women who really made a massive change to this world.

We must think about those women that never got help during pregnancy and stillbirths, it’s really upsetting to hear stories of the older generation who had to walk around with their baby that was no longer living in there stomach until they were 40 weeks pregnant and ready to give birth, I know someone personally who this has happened to.

In the mid 1970’s two women called Hazelanne Lewis who was a psychiatric social worker and a lady called Bel Mooney a journalist both gave birth to stillborn babies.

In this time period most mothers and fathers were not allowed to see or hold their babies or even take photos of their sleeping beauty, the parents did not get told where there babies were.

Using there professions they decided to share there stories around stillbirth, they contacted the national newspapers asking bereaved parents to share their stories too. This small step was the start to where baby loss support started. The amount of replies they received revealed the unrecognised support for bereaved parents upon the loss of their baby.

The National still birth study group was set up in 1977 as a result of these two wonderful strong women spreading the word and recognising the taboo around baby loss. Other support groups and various health professionals produced information booklets for bereaved parents, it was this that formed Sands.

Without these two women raising awareness, bereaved parents like myself would not have the support we do today although SANDS is a well known baby loss charity it’s not big enough. 1 in 4 women lose a child that’s a massive number a massive number that needs to be reduced support charity’s like Sands need to be more recognised.

This charity is amazing and has helped me through the last few months, today I’m proud of myself. The last two days I’ve progressed in my journey I’ve conquered some fears that I really didn’t want too, I’ve not only conquered fears today but I’ve conquered fears since my daughter was born sleeping. Some things are massive but seem small to others, I amaze myself each and every day, I honestly don’t know how I get up in a morning and get through each day. I do everything to make my daughter proud and that’s what keeps me going.

If I can do it so can you!

My daughter would of been and is my best friend and my mini me, I surround myself with people who light my fire not people who throw water at it. I spend my time with the woman who inspire me and lift me up not those who drag me down ~ I watched a video by Will Smith who taught me that~ I thank all my female friends and family who are standing tall by my side.

So today I want you to think of the things you’ve achieved wether it be something small or something big even if you are reading this and you haven’t lost a child. You a woman and you are amazing you should be proud of yourself.

“I’ve never seen a strong person with an easy past”

Grace xx

Below is a link to the Sands website for more on the story above.

https://www.sands.org.uk/about-sands/media-centre/news/2018/03/sands-support-bereaved-women-international-womens-day

Fathers, it’s ok to talk

Hello to all you males, each and every single one of you wether you are a bereaved father a father or not a father.

Today I bought our local paper, something caught my eye, a photo on the front page of a very smiley bald headed man who is one of our friends. The local paper had decided to publish the sad story of our friend who sadly passed away in May last year, something that devastated the whole friend group.

Although it’s really emotional to read what happened to our friend, I hope it brings some awareness to all you males out there that it is ‘ok to talk’.

Our good friend sadly passed away after an incident which was a cry for help.Our friend is the reason why I am writing this post.

There is so much stigma around stillbirths it’s something no one ever wants to discuss but I never see much being posted from the fathers do they find it hard to discuss? I find the fathers always get forgotten about, they are grieving too.

A couple of nights ago me and my husband were cuddled up on the couch me in tears for the third night in a row, we had a chat about how we were both feeling. I mentioned I wasn’t feeling great and after our review on Wednesday it left me feeling really empty and that I will never know the real reason why I got an infection and where it came from, my husband had told me he was feeling the same way. We had a conversation about other things, whilst talking he had said to me about how he felt like the fathers always get left out, I agreed with him!

Our partners, the fathers to our children do get left out, they grieve too so why do they get forgotten about?

As a male, our partners, fathers to our children they want to stand by us well as going through the emotional side just like us, they want to be the strong person (its male instinct after all) who we can cry too, scream at when we feel like we are drowning in heart ache, cuddle when we feel low and most of all feel protected by the horrible world us bereaved parents currently live in. It’s not possible for a male to do all of this, AND cope with grief. Each father that goes through losing a child will grieve and grieve in there own way, i have read so my articles and posts where men think it’s ok not to talk about the way they feel. Well it’s not ok it’s so much worse than you think, as a female most of us find it natural to talk about the way we feel, for bereaved fathers and males it’s a different story.

Bereaved fathers go through grief just like us mothers do, after having different conversations with different people it came to light that people thought a mother goes through the grieving processa lot more than a father and is different to a father grieving. I understand that a father hasn’t carried a baby round for 9 months but that doesn’t mean to say they aren’t grieving personally I think it’s just as heartbreaking for them as it is for us. We carried our child round for 9 months, we no longer feel them move, we no longer can hold them and feel connected like we did when they were just a tiny bump to being born which is an unbearable pain for us and all the father wants to do is take the pain away and make everything better by bringing back our sleeping angel they don’t want to see there wife/partner in this pain of heartbreak, moping around like our life is never going to be the same, unhappy and feeling we may as well give up now because the one happy thing we had has been taken away. This is exactly how I feel and I know my husband does not want to see me this way and it breaks his heart even more because all he wants to do is help me and be able to turn back time, change that one day I went into labour and bring our daughter back to earth as well as coping with grief himself.

So yes I do think that fathers grieve the same amount but a different type of grief. They should be able to come to us and speak out about how they feel and us a partners and mothers should be holding our partners just like they do to us.

From experience It is not good too keep feelings trapped in and pretend that things are ok, because let’s face it there aren’t. And people would be stupid if they thought because you acted ‘ok’ that you actually are! Holding emotions and feelings in can lead to a various amount of issues including separation from there partners, depression, stress and mental health issues.

Our friend is the third person I know that committed suicide either as a cry for help or a way to leave their life behind.

This post isn’t just for bereaved parents it’s for any one who is battling grief in a different form, depression, stress, stress at work, separation from a loved one or something that you can’t shift out of your mind and to let you know it is ok to talk! I hear so many stories of people taking there own live because they feel it’s the best option I have also heard people say ” it’s selfish that people commit suicide” well it’s not for that person who has taken there own life brings great courage to even decide to do it in the first place, but if they had someone to speak too, open up and know they are not alone about how they feel and the reason behind why they wanted to do this we could stop so many deaths a year making the world a happier place to live in.

So how is mental health defined?

Everyone will go through periods when they feel emotions such as stress and grief, but symptoms of mental illnesses last longer than normal and are often not a reaction to daily events. When these symptoms become severe enough to interfere with a person’s ability to function, they may be considered to have a significant psychological or mental illness. Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life. Mental health which is a variety of conditions such as eating disorders or being effected by grief affects 1 in 4 people, mental health takes a massive toll in daily life as well as having long term effects which can lead into health problems and even suicide.

It’s heartbreaking to think that most men (and females) think you can’t talk about the way you feel well you can and I urge you to speak out and talk about it wether you are a bereaved father, father, partner or neither It could be the smallest thing you want to talk about to something which you have been trying to battle with for days, months, years it takes great strength for someone to talk about the way they feel.

To all the men out there, the fathers to our children, our husbands, boyfriends, partners, friends & soul mates thank you for those who have already had the courage to speak to up, open up and show your emotions and feeling to us it takes great courage and you are loved for it.

“it’s ok to talk”

To show your support copy this link to your profile and show support to all the fathers and people coping with mental health issues out there and let them know ‘it is ok to talk’!

I’m also here to listen

Grace & V xx

To our friend we miss you dearly and hope you are looking after our precious angel Violet xox

‘Others’

For the ‘other’ people in my life

Someone said to me recently ‘you always think of others’ your right I do I not only think about myself I think about every one else too. I put myself in there shoes and my own, I try to see it from both sides, from my side the grieving mother and from there side the not grieving parent or someone who has gone through a similar thing. Hopefully bringing some comfort to those ‘other’ people to make them aware that #youarenotalone

When I decided to write my story on my blog, set up my Instagram and my Facebook page firstly I was nervous that I would get back lash and harsh comments to why I have shared my story, or it’s upsetting other new parents. I never realised how much response I would get which wasn’t my main aim, my main aim was to raise awareness and spread the word about the infections I had.

I can honestly say I am overwhelmed with how many people have contacted me, shared there story, said thank you to me, told me I’m brave, said I have given them courage and inspiration to get up in a morning. Something I never thought I would get or was my aim.

I started to tell my story to make other parents aware, to raise awareness and hopefully help at least one baby.

I find comfort from telling my story and raising awareness, you “others” are what makes me write, you make me feel like I’m doing Violet proud, you make me get up in a morning and carry on my day. Some of my ‘others’ have now turned into my friends, thank you.

So Thank you to my “others”

And remember #youarenotalone

Grace x

That Funny Little Thing Called Grief

Coping with grief & the “not knowing how to approach it situation” the subject no one wants to talk about

Grieving is something that happens no matter what when a loved one is lost, in our case our daughter. Something I hoped I would never have to feel and something which we will never just “get over”.

I feel sometimes like I’m not grieving because I’m not staying in bed until noon, crying at every thing in sight, not being able to leave the house, hating everyone and feeling angry, at times its confusing unless you’ve lost a child I’m not sure this will feeling will ever be explained. In a way its like that part of you is stuck in a moment in time which I feel 99% of the time.

Everyone is effected in different ways, don’t get me wrong I’ve had my fair share of days in bed, sitting in Violets bedroom crying hours on end, not being able to leave the house, hiding and doing 5 laps around the super market just to avoid someone so they don’t ask me and I have to say the words ‘Violet was born with no heartbeat’ this for me would be accepting that she has gone something I don’t want to have to say or accept.

Sorry if I’m about to offend anyone on the below post but….

Lets face it I’ve been told many of times “your baby is too beautiful for earth” really? is she?! that’s funny because you never met her, you never bonded with her, yes she’s beautiful but I want and need her with us not in the sky above some where. Does that mean that all the other babies on this planet are ugly and not beautiful enough to die??

‘God needed another angel’ funny because he didn’t ask you for yours!

I’m shocked how people say things but don’t realise its actually upsetting, to us bereaved parents things are taken more sensitive than usual.

“is it like you’ll get over it” ?

“you’ll never ‘get over it’ ” ?

Yes your right ill never ‘get over it’ my daughter was here who lived and breathed on this planet she may not be here right now but she was for a short period of time.

These are the words that do not help the situation and us bereaved parents quite frankly don’t want to hear!

Grief

Sometimes the cause of the stuckness isn’t the grief itself, but the fact that you don’t even recognize that you’ve lost something and that you need to grieve.
Grief doesn’t fit in a box, either. Some forms of grief take years to work through, other types take a few solid months, some take a single moment of deep acknowledgement.
Everyone grieves differently and for different reasons, but one thing remains constant in the process. It’s the one thing no one has ever said about grieving:
“I did it right on time.” Grieving is marked by a lag, a delay, a freezing, “Wait. What just happened?”
One moment you feel you’ve fully moved past something, the next moment it’s right back in front of your face.
That’s because grief is insidious, imposing and demands to be felt. Even if you’re able to somehow avoid it all day long, grief comes back to you in your sleep. It’s laying right on your heart as you wake up.

Grief doesn’t say, “I’ve been here long enough, I think it’s time for me to leave.”
No. Grief crowds the heart, eats up all your energy and chronically imposes upon your peace. But grief isn’t some evil force that’s only there to cause pain, grief is escorting up an even deeper feeling, a truth about your life, what you value and what you need. Perhaps how much you wanted something, how deeply you care about someone, how far you’ve come from where you were.
Grief is a funny little thing and something no one person can avoid when something tragic in someone’s life happens.

Grief takes along time to go away, ongoing support is essential from people around. There is always that moment when news has been given that a baby has passed away, being in this situation as a bereaved mother you find that no one wants to approach the situation, that feeling you get when there’s an elephant in the room. Ongoing support from people around is to talk about it when the time is right, say the right thing, be kind & be sensitive – put yourself in our shoes.

No need to cross the street when you see us, a ‘hi’ goes along at this time of need.

Help and support is available for anyone who isn’t sure on how to approach such sad news or for more advice on understanding what us bereaved parents are going through and help for anyone who needs it.

https://www.sands.org.uk/family-and-friends

Grief you funny little thing I hope one day you make it easier for us….

Every One Has An Opinion

Something I realised when I was pregnant that no matter who you spoke to everyone had an opinion, some good some bad.

You’ll be sick all the time, you’ll get fat, you’ll be tired all the time, you should do it this way, you need to rest all the time, your doing too much, you shouldn’t go to the gym or train, wait until baby is here and your up all night, you’ll get no sleep, you’ll have to change dirty nappies, you’ll get sore nipples from breast feeding, you wont be able to go out, your baby wont be getting enough milk from breast feeding, you wont need to go back to work, etc, etc I could go on forever……

The point is non of the above actually mattered to me or my husband, I knew having a baby would be hard, I knew id be up all night changing bums, breast feeding and being tired but hey that life and nothing in life is easy!

This was another exciting step in our life that we couldn’t wait for and I’m sure all the other mummy’s to be and mums understand! I couldn’t wait to have that bond with my baby girl, breast feeding, waking up seeing her smiling at me in a morning, taking her out in the pram on those crisp autumn days.

Id grown my baby girl for a whole 9 months bonding with her, telling her mummy and daddy couldn’t wait to meet her and see what she looked like why would I not want to do all of the above, care and look after her?

All the things people said seemed negative but you never heard anyone say ‘your baby may never arrive’

I sit here writing this now wondering what these times would be like, because deep down inside its the one thing I want so badly, it maybe something I will never get to do or feel…….

Grace x