Since becoming a mother and a bereaved one I feel that no one wants to understand what it’s like to walk in our shoes and of course you don’t, you don’t want to know what it’s like to have something every one else has got or have that missing piece cut out of your heart. We don’t just get up one day and go oh wait I feel ok that’s it, it’s all over my grief has gone and I’ve completely forgotten I’ve got a daughter in heaven. Therefore everyone then thinks, back at work, going out she MUST be ok, well we’re not and from no on it’s time to start saying how I really feel instead of covering it up and thinking too much of everyone else feelings rather than mine own!
This is where this post began!
Support is something through the loss of a baby or a loved that we as humans rely on. Its also something that some of us don’t receive. In fact 90% of don’t, We might think we do but do we?
Walking for me down a path of baby loss is really difficult it also is a very lonely place. Once Violet had passed away i was gifted with thank yous, ‘I’m here for you’, ‘If you need anything let me know’ I know its only natural for this to happen and I’m really really grateful for the amount of love that was shown I know people said it because they care. But one day it just goes away like that it goes from millions of messages to nothing. Everyone has there own lives and I would never expect everyone’s lives to be put on hold for me. People DO forget because our loss is not your loss so this eventually goes to the back of everyone’s minds that’s only natural as humans.
The most hurtful thing whilst going through loss is no one talks about our children and no one asks how we are, ok so my daughter is not here yes she passed away so I understand it could be difficult for you to talk about as what would you talk about? but we talk about other children so why not mine? I wonder how many people know my daughters age today? I wonder how many people remember when her birthday is?
Just because I get up or go to work or even see you out some where does not mean to say I’m ok, because I’m not. You see the person on the outside, the smile on my face, the clothes I wear to dress like I’m having a “good day” the brave face that covers my aniexty, depression, grief and the loss of my daughter that is eating away inside of me. You won’t see this part of me because you probably never asked a genuine question of “how are you?”. I will never open up to those who don’t sit down with me and truly ask how I am, because you know what you might be scared to ask, you might get upset or have mixed emotions, you might think I don’t want to upset her what’s worse is when it’s not asked directly, I’m the one who has to get up every day with grief over my head and a label stuck to my forehead stating “that’s that woman who lost a baby”
Some times I do need a bit of shove and yes you will probably have to make the first move as I can honestly say I hardly message any one not because I don’t care because I do my family and friends mean the world to me, it’s because I have no energy. I use all my energy to get up in a morning and get myself dressed it might sound pathetic to you, for me it’s a massive achievement. I spend all my time and energy at work I come home exhausted with a mix of different emotions with a black cloud hanging over my head, Friday appears and all I want to do is stay at home with my husband and where Violet is rested. It will take me a really long time to stop grieving although I never will. It’s a really lonely place and some times we just need that push.
See there’s a difference supporting some one it could be sending a message “how are you”
Your most probably sat on social media, so what about a message ‘Are you ok’? Or a comment on a post, a like or share? ( this is another thing that gets me – everyone comments on photos of new borns and couples but not on my baby or us, Why? Because it’s upsetting for you? Well my baby is my baby and always will be and we must be some of the strongest couples out there, if that was my friend, relative I would be shouting from the rooftops that that person or baby is amazing and strong, So yes I want to share, like and comment because it hurts more when people don’t because your too scared (and I don’t mean that in a way of “I want attention ” because I don’t.)
A phone call ‘fancy a coffee and chat’?
A letter or card through the post
People show love and care in different ways, my mum for instance she always leaves me little presents around my house some times I don’t even notice them until a couple of days later recently she left me a little sign which quote “gnome sweet gnome” and left us a new washing up sponge! This is my mums love language and something that makes me smile every time I see it.
This is one time in our lives when we need people around, we need people to try and understand, we don’t want people saying “just crack on and have another baby” or “you just need to get on with it”, “move on” this is not support this is hurtful words!
We won’t always open up and we may say “I’m not up-to it today” but that’s because we may want to be alone, or having a bad day it’s not because we’re being awkward or “we don’t make the effort” it just might be that it’ll take a couple of times for us to say “yes ok” it’s just nice to be thought of remember it takes a lot for us to go out, I get anxiety every time I have to go some where even just going to work. I went to the supermarket yesterday and saw a family friend, some one who I haven’t seen for over 10 years. I automatically went like a cat in head lights but rather than him walking away and ignoring me he said “how are you?” “I don’t know what to say but we think about you” straight away my barriers fell right down, I knew I could have a conversation about Violet and what had happened and that’s where the difference lies.
To over come the fear of “I don’t want to upset anyone” or “I don’t know what to say” is to say something.
“You will never conquer the fear unless the fear is faced”
So say it and make it easier for us both.
It’s been 7 months now since Violet was born and I’m very grateful for the people in my life who have helped me through, give me a little push or have genuinely meant the word “I’m here for you” I honestly would be lost without them. I want you to talk about Violet MY daughter and I want you to take about loss I want people to be proud that us bereaved parents are doing the public and other parents out there proud! Remember if you feel worried about asking “how Are you” then don’t because your not the one grieving or having to go through loss we are and that’s more upsetting.
Sands recently put together a video which shows what it’s like to be us for part of a day, I hope this video brings some light into what we have to go through or help anyone understand.