When You Feel Like You Can’t Be Happy

A subject that divides the ‘normal’ people and the ‘bereaved parents’.

“You need to move on and be happy” it’s been 9 months now and grief is still there isn’t hasn’t yet packed it’s bags and said good bye. It won’t, not ever.

A massive set back for me at the moment is feeling like I will never be happy. I feel like I’m living two different lives with a devil on each shoulder battling it out. The whole world is just passing by with me trying to just mope through each day that arrives. It’s difficult and it’s something I don’t expect any one to ever understand because unless you’ve personally been through it I don’t think you ever will. I have all the intentions of putting my self through some things I don’t really want to even though I do, see there it is again the devil on my shoulder.

For instance I want to socialise but I find it hard sitting their laughing, trying to be happy even though behind my face I’m absolutely heartbroken and feeling like the whole world is about to swallow me up. I just can’t enjoy myself know matter how hard I try, I have zero interest in everything.

Everyone around me is laughing at the things in theirs lives the things that use to make me smile the things that use to make me laugh. But now I can’t, I can’t sit at laugh at things it’s like I’ve lost the meaning of live and fun! When I see families out and about or photos of friends and people with their young children it hurts, because that should be me, it will be one day again I know but now it’s living a life without Violet.

I can picture myself laughing and smiling but then stopping myself from doing so. It’s so hard to understand and to tell someone this because no body gets it. I’m pretty sure to everyone they think I’m being pathetic but it’s not it’s a massive deal. It’s so frustrating for me because one thing I really want but it’s the hardest thing to do.

Changing your mind set is really difficult to start thinking about the positives it’s mentally draining but then something stops you….

I do it because I want to try and I want to do for Violet. She wouldn’t want to be unhappy she has given us things life to be happy about it and care for she’s given us hope which we never thought we would have. Grief comes in stages the stages don’t follow suit nor does each stage go and not come back. It might arrive and stay for 3 months, it might go. I’ve come a long way on the path of grief and I know this is one of the stages I must conquer…..

Grace xox

The World of Social Media

In the UK, 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage, stillbirth or premature birth.

The emotional impact this has is devastating and leaves parents with so many unanswered questions.I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say I find social media really upsetting whilst going through loss. Now this isn’t a ‘thing’ this is real life, real emotions and real feelings. For someone going through loss like myself its draining, its really difficult to see other pregnant women, baby announcements, scan photos, ‘congratulations’ on new born baby photos, people moaning about there swollen feet, people moaning that they have children, the words ‘when is this baby coming out’ – which I do think is pretty rude. Its heartbreaking, its not a sign of ‘we are unhappy for you’ because that’s not the reason we are so proud of all the mum’s out there giving birth and becoming new parents. You may have something some one else wants.

If you put yourself in our shoes and had lost a baby then saw all over your social media the above how would you feel? how would you react? would you be upset? If you have answered yes to all then you know what its like for us.

We want what you have.

Because we never got a chance, we never got to take our baby’s home, or have the ‘congratulations’, ‘shes beautiful’, ‘well done’, ‘your an amazing mummy’. Why? why is everyone so scared to say these words, we still gave birth, we still became a mummy, our children are still beautiful. Its really irritating and something that grinds on me every time I see it. Don’t be scared to speak out loud, its more upsetting when you don’t mention it. When we lose a baby at any stage we start feeling different emotions each parent grieves differently. Some of the things I/grief can make you feel can be ~

~ Feeling like a failure or a let down

~ Thinking it’s all our fault

~ Letting our baby down

~ There is something wrong with us

~ Why did this happen?

~ Not accepting what has happened

~ Isolated

~ Feeling of being alone

~ No one understands

~ No one cares

These are just some things that can happen or feel whilst grieving carrying all this in our mind every single day as well as social media is really mentally draining. Social media shows everything baby related and when going through loss it seems to be there right in your face staring right back at you in the eye. The lady with her bump, the scans photos quoting ‘look at my baby’ but for most of all it hurts for me when baby’s have been born and I see photos of them with captions and comments under neath ‘Congratulations’ ‘he/shes beautiful’ it hurts so bloody much because that was me I gave birth to my beautiful little girl and not many people wanted to say these words, instead we received ‘sorry for your loss’,  ‘I feel for you’, ‘my heart breaks’. It’s the most difficult time and these words DO mean a lot but further on down line it is nice when some one says “she’s beautiful” but they don’t. There is so much taboo around still births and baby loss, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s certainly nothing to be embarrassed about either. Killing the stillbirth taboo is essential, Tommy’s the baby charity are doing just that by hosting a a new campaign #togetherforchange the video on the link below shows a video of what others going through loss or others see on social media when a person announces a birth, scan or status around pregnancy. It hits the nail on the head perfectly.

It’s time to make a change and start and stop the silence on baby loss.

Click on the link below to find out more #togetherforchange “There is still silence and shame around baby loss. But if we can talk about it openly and honestly, not only can we help each other feel less alone, but we can also pave the way for greater awareness and more research to stop it happening”

~ Tommy’s the Baby Charity

How Do You Tell Someone Your Baby Died?

When a person passes away from old age you expect and know what happens, we get old, we die. It’s blunt but there is no words because that’s what’s supposed to happen when we have a wonderful life and get old.

When a baby dies at birth it’s totally different, how do you go on to say to your family and friends, I had my baby but she died. It’s really difficult, it’s heartbreaking and it’s really painful.

It’s really shit having to have to try and say the words “my baby died” it’s hard enough hearing it for yourself but trying to say that to another person is soul destroying. I can remember when we find out about Violets heartbeat we were both in shock and didn’t know what to do or how to react. We didn’t phone any one we got through the next few hours of giving birth to our precious daughter. All I can remember is ringing my mum my hands were shaking , I was hot with anxiety because I didn’t know what to say, we had given birth to Violet I just cried and cried I told her it wasn’t good news and that Violet was born with no heartbeat. She screamed down the phone and said “is there not anything they can do?” My dad spoke to me and said we will give it an hour and come down. My sister then phoned and I explained what had happened. Sitting there crying I didn’t have a clue what was going on I wanted everything to be ok and wake up from this nightmare.

I can only describe the pain of what felt like a dagger going through my heart and stabbing it a million times, my baby had died and I had to explain to all these people who loved us that she was no longer here or going to be. After Violet was born we were moved into the observation room where I had to be looked after as I was recovering with Sepsis. My husband Ashley had already rang his mum and let her know what had happened with Violet she was really upset but calm. I still don’t know how my husband felt because it’s something we never discussed. He over come the fear and he did it better than I could. Our family came to visit us, my mum and dad, Ashley’s mum, Ashley’s dad passed away 5 years ago of bowl cancer. My sister in law and my brother in law.

They walked into that room and there I was sat there with this shocked, saddened look all over my face crying being pumped with antibiotics with my baby in my arms. I was happy, Violet was beautiful, but I couldn’t cope I couldn’t cope with the fact they came to see us and our daughter had gone. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be. It wasn’t the way we had planned, how could I say to the rest of my friends that Violet was sleeping and she wouldn’t be waking up. I’m really grateful that our family came to see us and see Violet for the first time. They got to hold Violet and give her the love she deserves like they would wether she was here or not. I felt a relief that this was one hurdle conquered but how I could I tell everyone else?

One of my best friends was pregnant at the same as me it was the best pregnancy ever we could joke about the things that were happening to us ~ like morning sickness ~ we helped each other through the hard times and gave each other a little positivity when needed! I was dreading telling her, because she’s my best friend and I love her so much I knew how upset she would be and I wasn’t sure if leaving it any longer would only make it worse. I don’t even remember actually telling her, she knew I’d gone into labour as she had given birth to little Olivia 3 days before so it’d given me the push that I could get through child birth too and our baby’s would be born only a few days apart! I think i wrote a message saying ” it’s not good news” and that Violet was born with no heartbeat to this day it makes me sick to the stomach that I actually had to write those words to one of my best friends to say that my baby had died. A few weeks later she took me out for lunch, we sat and cried, cried and cried. I asked her how she felt when I told her about what had happened I was nervous because everyone reacts differently, it’s not something that gets said often. She had said that she was actually upstairs feeding her daughter, she picked up the phone and read the message “I screamed and cried and couldn’t believe it was happening”. Since the day I sent Steph this message I can’t live with out her.

That was one of my best friends told but what about the rest? I was ten days over due so by the time everyone had an inkling it was happening soon, I had messages from my friends asking if anything was happening and if I’d gone into labour and how I was. They were so excited and caring all I could do was cry I’d only just read the messages. How could I tell them….

We had decided that next we would tell our other best friends we wrote out a message ~ which I don’t remember writing, to them explaining that Violet was born and that she was born with no heartbeat. I didn’t know at the time they were actually going away for the weekend, they told us that when we told them there hearts broken and both cried not knowing what to say or do. When all I wanted to do was for someone to pick me up and take me away.

Going through losing your baby and then having to tell everyone is heartbreaking.

I wrote out another message and sent it to my other two best friends who by this point already knew which made it a lot easier. We wrote out a similar message and sent it to my two work friends and asked if they wouldn’t mind letting the other people I work with know, my manger and the director of the company. My friend at work had mentioned to me that our director was going to gather everyone together to let them know what had happened. He stood in the main office of where I work and read out my message. I can’t even begin to imagine how he felt and what everyone’s reactions were. I can only imagine and picture a wave of sadness over everyone’s faces. I still to this day look at the director and picture him stood there telling everyone my baby had died. One of the women I work with who was pregnant at the time had let me know that the whole office for around 2 weeks afterwards was not the same, everyone was really taken a back by what had happened to me and sadness really did draw over the whole company. Which you’d expect if you were a human. It takes great courage for a grieving parent to say these words to someone and that’s something that should be appreciated.

I’m not a fan of posting my whole life on social media, I hadn’t with Violet only snippets throughout my pregnancy. For some time after birth I hadn’t mentioned to anyone but family and friends about what had happened and that how we wanted it. In late November we had decided that we wanted to share our precious daughter with the world and let them know she was born but born “sleeping”. We did so and although it was painful it was nice to see how many people showed kindness and how many people showed that they were being dam right nosey.

Sharing news of when your baby is born is exciting although everyone “presumes” you have a baby and walk out with it. Wrong that is not always the case. I found it really difficult to tell my family and friends about Violet being born and they is no shame in that it’s personal, your still a mother and always will be. I do think the best way to let people know is to right out a thoughtful message with your baby’s name, weight and time and let them know that this is a difficult time for you with anything you would like including support ~ this is your loss and you have the right to say what you do and don’t want from people. I wrote in my message that we didn’t want to be bombarded with messages or being asked about what happened. Everyone took into consideration of what we had asked for and stuck by it, the girls at work took it in turns to message me therefore I didn’t have everyone messaging me at the same time. It sound’s silly and probably think I would never tell some one over a message but it’s easier for you and the other person. It gives the person your telling time for the news to settle in and acknowledge what’s happened rather than an awkward silence of not knowing what to say. Then they can reply or ring when they have thought about what to say.

It’s a very difficult path but I know for those who are reading this who have lost that you will be able to be happy again and walk down this path with hope just like we are.

Grace & Violet xox