Living a Life Without

As a parent you never imagine living a life without one of your children.

I never imagined Violet not being here living a life with out her is a daily battle. From thinking what she would look like now at 3 and a half months, to hearing her laugh, if she would keep us all night like I did when I was a baby, to memories of when I was pregnant, to feeling upset seeing my friends with there baby’s and children, living a life without is something which has become a “new normal”.

I sit writing this post our cat sat on the arm of the chair my husband laying on the sofa watching a movie, the snow falling outside. It’s so crisp and white outside it’s falling on the chimney tops, my house smells like the wonderful flowers I bought which are all purple including pink small roses, daffodils and tulips. I love flowers, I would have my house covered in them and flowers symbolises our daughter Violet.

My life has changed so much, the ‘new normal’ is different and difficult to deal with. I don’t want to go out of the house although it makes me moody being stuck in. I want to see my friends, I want to go out and I want to have fun but I don’t want to feel guilty.

It’s a difficult one, everyone is leading a normal life now in way like it never happened or it’s all over. There isn’t a day goes by that we don’t think of Violet it’s only been nearly 4 months. For us time stands still for everyone else time moves on. Everything reminds me of Violet, when I was pregnant I would look in my mirror to picture her sat in the back in the car seat we bought, I still do i look over my shoulder in the car to see her not there, from the lady pushing a pram with her new born in, my friends and the people I know with there babies and children, my creative box which has my baby shower decorations in, photos of baby’s with cards saying “1 month old” the women announcing there pregnancy, the women being congratulated on giving birth, hearing a heartbeat – this hurts I heard a heartbeat of a baby earlier this week, a lady who is pregnant, hearing that heartbeat for me brought back so many memories so much pain, the tears started to fill up in my eyes hearing that heart beat of another baby took me back to the time I was lay on the bed through out the 9 months hearing Violets little heart beat it took me to the last time I heard it in the hospital whilst in labour and then the memory of never being able to hear it again. One minute it was there next it wasn’t.

I’m jealous there is no other way to put it “I’m jealous” I’m jealous because I can’t do this I can’t spend time with my baby and I can’t show her off like I want to. It’s learning to live with these constant reminders, half the time I want to curl up wrap myself in cotton wool and wake up in 9 months pregnant with our next child. It’s not going to happen, I can’t lead a life where I hide from everything and everyone.

I drive myself insane, I think about the constant reminders I think about what I would be doing now if Violet was here, her first giggle, her first steps, her first word, her first hair cut, her first day at school, what she would be like when she’s older, what would she be studying? Would she be intelligent? Would she get married, have children. I didn’t plan on leading this life. My thoughts take me back to being pregnant with Violet oh how I would love to be pregnant again i would love to give Violet her brother or sister sooner than we had hoped for it’s something that crosses my mind every day.

I drive myself that insane I decided to meet up with our bereavement midwife Louise who is someone that has now become a part of our life and helps me with my grieving process.

How do you feel ” I feel lost and empty” “I’m sorry” I start to cry, don’t apologise there is nothing to say sorry for. Are you embarrassed to cry? “I suppose I am, I’m not a crier, I don’t like to show my emotions in front of other people I’m not ‘that type’ of person”

Louise replied with “There is no ‘type’ of person”.

It made me realise that I get told a lot of the time I even say it myself I’m ‘that type of person’ ‘I’m strong’ but what is a ‘type’ of person? There isn’t one we are WHO we are. Yes I’m a strong person and yes I can remain positive but that doesn’t mean to say I’m not suffering because I ‘look’ ok.

I’ve met so many other mothers in a similar position to me, mainly through social media, it’s been good to talk as they know like me what it’s like to loose a child. Social media has become a part of my grieving process it’s been a way to reach out to other mothers, share my story, raise awareness and be proud of our daughter. I will always share photos of Violet on social media just like I would if she was here. Everyone else shares photos of there children so why can’t I? Attention seeking, your wrong.

It’s something I thought about last night when I was writing my previous post was words that get said when baby’s are born and one thing I’ve noticed that happens.

‘Congratulations’

The word everyone feels they can’t say because my baby was born sleeping but it’s actually something that I feel should be said to us bereaved parents, congratulations on bringing your child into this world born sleeping or alive. Everyone else says it,

‘congratulations, your baby is beautiful’ ‘Well done on giving birth’ ‘the cutest photos’ ‘you make an excellent mummy’

Soooo because my baby was born sleeping you can’t say this?? Because if so I won’t bother saying it either.

No instead us bereaved parents get

‘I’m sorry’ ‘my heart breaks for you’ ‘I feel your pain’ ‘I’m sorry you have to go through this pain’

I don’t want these type of comments ‘I’m sorry’ sorry for what exactly? I know this is something I’ve said on my previous post but it’s something I don’t understand, your sorry I have to go through this pain, so I am but I never chose to go down this path in life! I know people care and I know people don’t know what to say, for me it makes my heart sick, my heart beat faster and my eyes to start filling up with tears because we don’t have the same words “I’m so happy for you” “she’s beautiful” “we can’t wait to meet her” we also don’t have people sharing photos and congratulating us or saying how proud they are, it’s a subject that no one wants to talk about! You don’t know how much I want these positive words said to me and our daughter, I want to remain positive, I want to stand tall and be proud, I am proud I gave birth to our beautiful sleeping beauty and I congratulate myself on doing this and us becoming a mother and father.

Last night I spoke to a lady who I thought I’d met but I actually haven’t, this lady is a midwife at the birthing centre where I gave birth. Something she had said to me was;

“Your story has touched everyone who works here, you should be really proud of yourself, your blog is beautifully written, as I’ve said you are an amazing woman and mother” “remember after the storm comes a Rainbow”

These words are words that will stick with me forever and when I feel down I will re read this message to remind myself how well I’m doing, how proud I should be and how I am an amazing MOTHER!

In life with have obstacles, obstacles that are here to test us and they have certainly put us to the test!

“Remember after the storm comes a rainbow”

I hope you are right….day by day

Giving Birth To Our Sleeping Beauty

I was so nervous, I was so nervous about giving birth I don’t know why as I’d built myself up for this day and prepared my mind with a variety of techniques, I’d done breathing excerises and hypnobirthing most of the way through my pregnancy which was meant to help. This went allll out the window!

I never realised how incredibly ill I was until now, now that I’m out of hospital. Its scary to think as well as losing my baby I very nearly could of died, if I wasn’t in good health and my heart wasn’t as good as it is I wouldn’t be sat here writing this blog.

This is the part that I would of liked to have remembered, as painful as it was I always wanted to remember the birth of our daughter, unfortunately its something I don’t remember with only flash backs from different times during the birth.

After I got told my baby had no heartbeat they left me alone for a while to go into natural labour, after some time I was then induced (or I think that’s what happened).

I got wheeled into a room where a met my bereavement midwife Janet, Janet was lovely she made me feel comfortable and got us settled in. I don’t remember much I remember eating a dry cheese sandwich which I had to force down because I really had no appetite at this point which you don’t when your in labour, feeling like a whale and your stomachs contracting like crazy! I remember being laid on the bed saying my back hurts, over and over again. I was in so much pain it was unbearable I have never felt pain like it. It was like someone was stabbing me in my lower back with a needle. I was uncomfortable for hours lay in bed I remember asking my midwife if she could sit me up more, I kept complaining I was in so much pain, my back hurt, I was sliding down and off the bed. She made me feel as comfortable as possible, I was in that much pain nothing would of helped.

The hours had passed and people had been coming in and out all afternoon and night checking on me, topping up my drips, checking my oxygen level, taking tonnes of blood something I hate I’m not a fan of needles and I hate having my blood done it makes my toes curl!

They had brought in a bed for my husband to have a sleep on we had been awake now for several hours, I was falling asleep in and out. My husband had said to me if you need me shout for me I’m only here.

Few hours had passed…..

The time had come to start the process of delivery, Janet my midwife prepared me for delivery and explained what I needed to do. I was still in and out of consciousness so it was difficult to concentrate but Janet guided me all the way. It’s so difficult to remember, being on that bed and having to start pushing a baby out with hardly any contractions is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. Although I knew Violets heartbeat had gone I was excited to see what she looked like and to hold her for the first time. I always thought to myself I can’t wait to hear her first cry when she’s born, it’s like something you see on television something that 9/10 usually happens. I was heartbroken I wouldn’t hear her cry I never will, I’ll never know what she sounds like, I’ll never know if she heard us talking to her when she was born and when met we became a family for the first time.

After some time and a constant time of pushing with not much happening my midwife called for a doctor. The doctor who completed my scan with Violet who explained she had no heartbeat entered the room with other midwives. At this point I was gone, I can only remember snippets.

I’m pretty sure they induced me even more than I already was at this point, the doctor called for another doctor who entered she was female but I couldn’t tell you what she looked like. She asked me to let them know when I had a contraction and to push, time had passed my contractions had stopped My body was giving in although I was still trying to push, Violet had made no movement down. I had become very ill and my body was starting to shut down they induced to the maximum they could but nothing worked. My heart rate was sky high, One of the midwives I think it could of been Janet placed an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth to help me breathe. My husband mentioned to me afterwards that my heart rate was so high the veins on the side of my neck were popping out. He’s never seen anything like it and that if they went for the de-fib machine on the wall he knew he’d lost me and Violet.

I just lied there through it all with absolutely no emotion and no feelings, it was like a part of me had died too and that I no longer had a purpose.

As it came to the last push Janet had now finished her shift she kindly asked us if she could stay and meet Violet. We were so pleased she wanted to as she had been one of the midwives that had and was going to look after us. She held my hand I looked at her and said “I can’t do this, I can’t” “it’s all my fault” why do you keep saying that she replied, because “I carried my baby I made her ill” she reassured me and held my hand a little harder.

My husband held my other hand whilst the doctor explained if Violet wasn’t born on the next try I would be prepped for a c-section although they had told us that It would be too risky to have one due to the infection and my heart rate being so high. But if it came to it I would have to and take the risk of being put to sleep wether I would wake up or not would be down to my body fighting the sepsis.

A few minutes later both doctors tried with forceps the biggest forceps I’ve ever seen I was hoping that they wouldn’t have to use them, but knowing my baby would be a long baby I had been warned already that they do use them if necessary.

They tried, nothing, nothing was happening at this point. The next thing I remember is the doctor trying again with forceps and dragging her out the pain was over it’s like I’d forgotten about it already.

Violet was born, blood went every where all over me and all over the doctor. My husband had said it looked like it had been thrown all over the room and he’s surprised he didn’t faint at the amount there was. As the midwives were tying to clean up around him, the doctor asked what her name was replying “Violet Esme”. Janet cried “she’s beautiful”. She was placed onto my chest and my husband cut part of the cord. It was the best feeling in the world. I screamed and cried her little long body was warm but cold at the same time. I just couldn’t believe what had happened we had become parents for the first time. The midwife pulled up my nightie which I’d been wearing the whole time because they didn’t have time to take it off and I’m glad as I felt uncomfortable being complete naked even though I was about to give birth. Her pinky white coloured skin touched mine she was so long and she was beautiful just like we thought with the most amazing lips. Her face had been cut with the forceps the doctor explained that because Violet wasn’t alive the skin is different and doesn’t heal the same as a living newborn.

The doctor and midwives had left us alone for a few minutes whilst we had some time as a family, I looked up and the doctor was crying he had tears rolling down his face as he left the room, my second bereavement midwife Angie was also crying as she left the room, I just couldn’t believe what had happened.

My husband touched my head and gave me a kiss, we took some photos of us together as a family. I was still holding Violet by this point I didn’t want to let her go I was being very protective. The doctor explained he was going to place some stitches where I had torn, I still had Violet in my arms at this point. Ouch that hurt, the little stabbing pain was where he had injected me it’s the only pain I can remember!

How much does She weigh? I don’t know Grace because you’ve had hold of her all this time. Angie weighed Violet she’s 8.2lb a lovely size and very long. She was so long her little legs went over the edge of the scales she was wrapped in a towel and placed back over to my husband.

She was so cute she looked so peaceful and so cuddly, she was perfect and she was and always will be our daughter.

As I was then assisted onto another bed I was moved into the observation room where I was then looked after by Angie. I was moved here due to the Sepsis I still had a few IV drips and would be on antibiotics for the next few days.

Our hearts had been melted, Violet was perfect, she was so beautiful and she was ours. Violet had changed me into a mother and the person I am today.

The next few days became a whirl wind of emotions, realisation and living a life without Violet.

Our sleeping beauty who we miss every single day, a little human we made who we will love forever.

Colour Of A Rainbow

Violet Esme YOU are our special little girl who brought life into this world you shine your love and touch so many hearts, you are the colour of a rainbow. We see you when it rains and when the sun is shinning.

I don’t know if you were giving us a sign I remember seeing Rainbows all the time when I was in late pregnancy, I saw one on the day of my baby shower, two on our way to the birthing centre the day I was in labour and two the day after we said good bye to you on your first and second journey.

I hope one day you will bless us with a ‘rainbow’ baby which will be your little brother or sister maybe it was a sign all along?

Every time I see a rainbow it makes me smile and comforting to think you will be watching over us. Please keep giving us these little signs.

I promise to keep you alive from my heart, every day is a ongoing struggle but when I became a mother to you you changed my whole world and you always will. When I have a bad day or I get upset because I miss you so much or I think about all the times we should be spending together, the two of us and as a family of 3, I think about you, you remind me to stay positive, to think about the time we spent as a family, the moment we met for the first time. You remind me we have to stick together as a family wether you are here or not.

We love you and miss you Violet more than words can describe I hope one day we can meet again but until then remember we love you to the moon and back 💜

Mummy & Daddy

xox

From a Mothers Perspective

I wanted to write a post from a “mothers point of view” mainly because I’ve been feeling like I blame myself I’m pretty sure that this is normal in some way. It isn’t my fault I got Incredibly ill, I didn’t choose to have an infection that most people carry, I never chose not nearly not make it.

In a way I hope other mummy’s and mummy’s to be understand where I’m coming from. I suppose its a mothers instinct right? I carried Violet around for 9 months I grew her and fed her nutrients I looked after her, I naturally gave birth to her. Imagine one day if that just got take all away from you. She’s a part of me and always will be and in a way that’s why I blame myself because if I’d have not got ill neither would she.

I know I shouldn’t think this at all as I understand it isn’t my fault, as a mother I think it  its natures way and a mothers instinct to protect your child.

It’s going to take a long time to come to terms and accept what’s happened something I’ll never “get over”. I keep trying to think positive and all of the good times rather than blaming myself about what’s happened.

I hope other mummy’s who have been through the same understand. If there is anyone out there that has or who can help please reach out to me.

‘Were taking one day at time’

Grace x

The Words You Never Want to Hear

October 2017

‘I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat’

The moment our lives fell apart and our hearts were shattered into a thousand pieces within minutes.

This the part of my story that no parent ever wants to here let alone go through, its been difficult to write these words, its acceptance that Violet is no longer here. The pain that came over us was and still is an incredible pain that could of happened to any one but no it happened to us. Why us? we didn’t choose for this to happen, so why us? No one deserves this pain not anyone. But why us? The answer we will never know.

Violet had not even entered the world she didn’t even see our faces, how would she know what we look like? Had she suffered? No she hadn’t she would of drifted off to sleep and never woke up. Losing a loved one it very difficult to cope with but its nothing like losing your child it is completely different a grandma or grandpa has lived has had an entire life time our daughter hadn’t. The pain stabs you in the heart of every second of every day, everything reminds you of what we don’t have. The new mum walking down the road with the pram, the fathers pushing there children on the swing in the park. We will never see these moments with our daughter.

We’d been in hospital now a good few hours, mainly waiting for baby B to make her appearance. Ill never ever forget this day this was the day that we got told our baby had no heartbeat, in the blink of an eye her heartbeat had gone just like that, for no reason.

The rest to me is pretty much a blur because I not only went into shock but I became very ill with Sepsis in some way maybe a good thing I don’t remember, maybe not.

My husband read the quote on the wall in the birthing suite to me which read

” 300,000 women will be giving birth with you today. Relax and breathe and do nothing else. Labour is hard work, and you can do it”

About 2 hours or so had passed now we were sat chatting in the room although I was shattered I was excited. My husband touched my forehand then asking me if I felt ok, my forehead and temperature had gone sky high he rushed and called the midwife in to check my temperature she felt my forehead then my legs, she looked at me and said your legs are cold I’m going to take you to be put on a monitor. I felt worried this doesn’t usually happen to me, maybe its because I’m so tired? a bit like when you have jet lag, I felt fine and not unwell. My husband calmed me down and said everything will be ok they will check baby’s heartbeat.

It never crossed my mind what she was about to say next..

The midwife picked up the round monitor piece to pick up Violets heart beat my heart just sunk she couldn’t pick it up, she tried with the Doppler nothing, there was nothing there. I knew straight away I could tell by the look on her face that she look concerned, she pressed the emergency button its like something I’ve watched on one born every minute something you wish never happens to you. More midwifes and doctors entered all looking very shocked and concerned. My husband held my hand as we waited. That moment I knew it’d gone I remember saying to my midwife who was stood at the end of the bed, I’m worried, please don’t tell me what your about to tell me.

The doctor brought in a machine which was a portable scan machine, he put the cold jelly on my stomach and started completing the scan, my midwife was touching my leg and looking upset ill never forget her face.

He picked up Violet on the screen, but no heartbeat, her heartbeat had gone.

After they looked at each other back and fourth the doctor confirmed from the scan that Violets heartbeat had gone. I will never forget there faces like any human being a wave of sadness came over everyone’s faces that stood in that room. They had no idea how and no idea why. I looked at my husband, he was extremely upset like any new father would be I lay there and we just hugged, we didn’t speak.

I cant remember much else because I just stared at the blank wall in front of me, I didn’t cry, I didn’t speak, I didn’t think about anything, I didn’t do anything I just lay there staring into space and the wall in front of me touching my bump knowing that Violet would not lead a life with us and how it felt like I had just died. They gave us some space and packed up the machine and left the room, they just left, to me like it was all over and that was the end.

Its so hard to come to terms with any of this it feels like a never ending nightmare, like I was watching down on myself and I would eventually wake up and everything would be ok and this nightmare would be over.

From here on I don’t remember anything only flash backs from the night and morning of me giving birth.

My body went into overdrive as my fever got worse, my body was trying to fight the Sepsis. My body was still being pumped with several IV drips, antibiotics and other medication. The hours had passed it was now night time. After this point I don’t remember anything until the delivery our daughter.

Janet and Angie our midwives became someone I will never forget, the period that they looked after me and helped delivery our sleeping beauty are moments that we will cherish forever.

The next few hours passed…

 

Putting on a Brave Face

November 2017

Its only been just over a month, some might say its to early yet to tell but from previous grieving experience I know I may need help and its ok not to walk around with a brave face on its also ok to have space from the world.

The one thing I do a lot and what I have been doing recently is ‘putting on a brave face’ especially the first few days when I was in hospital it was probably shock and a way to block out what had actually happened. I shouldn’t have to put on a brave face, its me that’s grieving, its me that this has happened to not you or anyone else. A lot of people may think I’m a strong brave person let alone do they know that deep down my heart has been shattered, my stomach is constantly feeling sick, lost and I’m not sure how I’m ever going to carry on living my life without my baby girl by my side.

Most of the time I don’t want to talk about what happened but I do want to talk about my daughter, the subject always ends up talking about what happened no matter how hard I try. I know people care and I know that people want to listen. sometimes I just need space and time alone. Its really difficult to smile sometimes and although I feel awful I will always try and break a smile.

I’ve learnt the last few weeks is Its ok not to be ok, Its ok to ask for help, Its ok to not be a social butterfly, Its ok to take time out and its ok to have an ‘ok’ day.

I’m sure if you have ever grieved before or been through a similar thing you understand what I mean you put a shield up when in the presence of others to hide the emotions that your feeling, I know I certainly do I know that’s ok for some of the time.

The link to the below song which I heard recently the words describe exactly how I feel. It makes me cry every time I hear this song.

https://youtu.be/KbUbT1MNQNY

#teambanham