When You Feel Like You Can’t Be Happy

A subject that divides the ‘normal’ people and the ‘bereaved parents’.

“You need to move on and be happy” it’s been 9 months now and grief is still there isn’t hasn’t yet packed it’s bags and said good bye. It won’t, not ever.

A massive set back for me at the moment is feeling like I will never be happy. I feel like I’m living two different lives with a devil on each shoulder battling it out. The whole world is just passing by with me trying to just mope through each day that arrives. It’s difficult and it’s something I don’t expect any one to ever understand because unless you’ve personally been through it I don’t think you ever will. I have all the intentions of putting my self through some things I don’t really want to even though I do, see there it is again the devil on my shoulder.

For instance I want to socialise but I find it hard sitting their laughing, trying to be happy even though behind my face I’m absolutely heartbroken and feeling like the whole world is about to swallow me up. I just can’t enjoy myself know matter how hard I try, I have zero interest in everything.

Everyone around me is laughing at the things in theirs lives the things that use to make me smile the things that use to make me laugh. But now I can’t, I can’t sit at laugh at things it’s like I’ve lost the meaning of live and fun! When I see families out and about or photos of friends and people with their young children it hurts, because that should be me, it will be one day again I know but now it’s living a life without Violet.

I can picture myself laughing and smiling but then stopping myself from doing so. It’s so hard to understand and to tell someone this because no body gets it. I’m pretty sure to everyone they think I’m being pathetic but it’s not it’s a massive deal. It’s so frustrating for me because one thing I really want but it’s the hardest thing to do.

Changing your mind set is really difficult to start thinking about the positives it’s mentally draining but then something stops you….

I do it because I want to try and I want to do for Violet. She wouldn’t want to be unhappy she has given us things life to be happy about it and care for she’s given us hope which we never thought we would have. Grief comes in stages the stages don’t follow suit nor does each stage go and not come back. It might arrive and stay for 3 months, it might go. I’ve come a long way on the path of grief and I know this is one of the stages I must conquer…..

Grace xox

Are you Aware of Group B Strep?

July is Group B Strep Awareness Month

For those of you who aren’t aware of Group B Strep this is an infection which can be carried in pregnant ladies and can cause serious illness to both the mother and baby if left untreated.

This photo was taken not long after I had given birth, after a very long heartbreaking labour I was told I had Group B Strep and from my infection not being picked up or treated I was seriously ill which left me recovering from Sepsis.

No one made me aware of GBS, spoke about it or provided me with any sort of leaflet/information.

The NHS desperately need to change this, a simple flyer/test could help prevent further babies from dieing. Violets heartbeat stopped mine didn’t.

Group B Strep is the most common cause of life-threatening infection in newborn babies in the UK, and the most common cause of meningitis in babies under the age of 3 months.

The number of these infections are rising.

Currently ~ 2 babies a day develop group B Strep infection, 1 baby a week dies from group B Strep infection, 1 baby a week recovers from group B Strep infection with a disability 319,000 babies are estimated to have developed GBS infection aged 0-90 days worldwide in 2015, with approximately 4.1 infections in every 1,000 live born babies in their first 6 days of life. Shockingly, in the UK, it’s 5.7 in every 1,000 – which is 40% higher than the worldwide rate, and 2.5 times higher than the US rate (2.2 cases in every 1,000 babies). Between 2000 and 2014 there has been an increase of more than 50% in babies developing group B Strep infection in the UK and Republic of Ireland. And, while fewer babies died from their group B Strep infection, more survivors had disability.

Testing can be completed within the NHS for anyone who has carried the infection before or have a ‘high risk’ pregnancy testing should be available for ALL pregnant ladies, the test can be completed in late pregnancy where antibiotics can be provided in labour. Tests which are suitable and easy to use can be found at Strepelle.

These numbers are rising and shockingly high already, a simple test could help prevent these numbers from rising, prevent babies becoming ill with the infection and prevent stillbirths. Please help raise awareness of this life threatening disease and save babies lives by spreading the word of GBS to pregnant ladies/parents.

To find out more information on Group B Strep you can head over to Group B Strep Support or their Facebook page.

My story on losing Violet can also be read on the Group B Strep Support Website.

My story on losing Violet Esme  

#groupBStrep

 

The World of Social Media

In the UK, 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage, stillbirth or premature birth.

The emotional impact this has is devastating and leaves parents with so many unanswered questions.I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say I find social media really upsetting whilst going through loss. Now this isn’t a ‘thing’ this is real life, real emotions and real feelings. For someone going through loss like myself its draining, its really difficult to see other pregnant women, baby announcements, scan photos, ‘congratulations’ on new born baby photos, people moaning about there swollen feet, people moaning that they have children, the words ‘when is this baby coming out’ – which I do think is pretty rude. Its heartbreaking, its not a sign of ‘we are unhappy for you’ because that’s not the reason we are so proud of all the mum’s out there giving birth and becoming new parents. You may have something some one else wants.

If you put yourself in our shoes and had lost a baby then saw all over your social media the above how would you feel? how would you react? would you be upset? If you have answered yes to all then you know what its like for us.

We want what you have.

Because we never got a chance, we never got to take our baby’s home, or have the ‘congratulations’, ‘shes beautiful’, ‘well done’, ‘your an amazing mummy’. Why? why is everyone so scared to say these words, we still gave birth, we still became a mummy, our children are still beautiful. Its really irritating and something that grinds on me every time I see it. Don’t be scared to speak out loud, its more upsetting when you don’t mention it. When we lose a baby at any stage we start feeling different emotions each parent grieves differently. Some of the things I/grief can make you feel can be ~

~ Feeling like a failure or a let down

~ Thinking it’s all our fault

~ Letting our baby down

~ There is something wrong with us

~ Why did this happen?

~ Not accepting what has happened

~ Isolated

~ Feeling of being alone

~ No one understands

~ No one cares

These are just some things that can happen or feel whilst grieving carrying all this in our mind every single day as well as social media is really mentally draining. Social media shows everything baby related and when going through loss it seems to be there right in your face staring right back at you in the eye. The lady with her bump, the scans photos quoting ‘look at my baby’ but for most of all it hurts for me when baby’s have been born and I see photos of them with captions and comments under neath ‘Congratulations’ ‘he/shes beautiful’ it hurts so bloody much because that was me I gave birth to my beautiful little girl and not many people wanted to say these words, instead we received ‘sorry for your loss’,  ‘I feel for you’, ‘my heart breaks’. It’s the most difficult time and these words DO mean a lot but further on down line it is nice when some one says “she’s beautiful” but they don’t. There is so much taboo around still births and baby loss, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s certainly nothing to be embarrassed about either. Killing the stillbirth taboo is essential, Tommy’s the baby charity are doing just that by hosting a a new campaign #togetherforchange the video on the link below shows a video of what others going through loss or others see on social media when a person announces a birth, scan or status around pregnancy. It hits the nail on the head perfectly.

It’s time to make a change and start and stop the silence on baby loss.

Click on the link below to find out more #togetherforchange “There is still silence and shame around baby loss. But if we can talk about it openly and honestly, not only can we help each other feel less alone, but we can also pave the way for greater awareness and more research to stop it happening”

~ Tommy’s the Baby Charity

Happy 70th Birthday NHS

Although I am currently trying to change the testing for Group B Strep as they didn’t provide me with one or information whilst pregnant and signs for Sepsis.

I wanted to say a big thank you to the NHS for providing me & my husband with the amazing midwives that looked after us from when Violet was first in my womb, a thank you to the midwives who cared for me when moments went a little bit pear shaped during my pregnancy and a massive thank you to the midwives, doctors and consultants who kept me alive during labour. If it wasn’t for the NHS I wouldn’t have been provided with an amazing bereavement midwife who is there for me to help me through this tough time. The counselling provided which keeps me some how sane and helps me carry on each day, the love and care given by the amazing bereavement team at the birthing centre when Violet was born. Each midwife who met Violet and treated her ‘normal’ with lots of love, respect and kindness. The priest from the Chapel who performed a beautiful blessing for Violet. The midwife who carefully took Violet down her first part of her journey.

If I hadn’t been for the NHS, we wouldn’t have these memories.

So thank you #NHS70th

How Do You Tell Someone Your Baby Died?

When a person passes away from old age you expect and know what happens, we get old, we die. It’s blunt but there is no words because that’s what’s supposed to happen when we have a wonderful life and get old.

When a baby dies at birth it’s totally different, how do you go on to say to your family and friends, I had my baby but she died. It’s really difficult, it’s heartbreaking and it’s really painful.

It’s really shit having to have to try and say the words “my baby died” it’s hard enough hearing it for yourself but trying to say that to another person is soul destroying. I can remember when we find out about Violets heartbeat we were both in shock and didn’t know what to do or how to react. We didn’t phone any one we got through the next few hours of giving birth to our precious daughter. All I can remember is ringing my mum my hands were shaking , I was hot with anxiety because I didn’t know what to say, we had given birth to Violet I just cried and cried I told her it wasn’t good news and that Violet was born with no heartbeat. She screamed down the phone and said “is there not anything they can do?” My dad spoke to me and said we will give it an hour and come down. My sister then phoned and I explained what had happened. Sitting there crying I didn’t have a clue what was going on I wanted everything to be ok and wake up from this nightmare.

I can only describe the pain of what felt like a dagger going through my heart and stabbing it a million times, my baby had died and I had to explain to all these people who loved us that she was no longer here or going to be. After Violet was born we were moved into the observation room where I had to be looked after as I was recovering with Sepsis. My husband Ashley had already rang his mum and let her know what had happened with Violet she was really upset but calm. I still don’t know how my husband felt because it’s something we never discussed. He over come the fear and he did it better than I could. Our family came to visit us, my mum and dad, Ashley’s mum, Ashley’s dad passed away 5 years ago of bowl cancer. My sister in law and my brother in law.

They walked into that room and there I was sat there with this shocked, saddened look all over my face crying being pumped with antibiotics with my baby in my arms. I was happy, Violet was beautiful, but I couldn’t cope I couldn’t cope with the fact they came to see us and our daughter had gone. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be. It wasn’t the way we had planned, how could I say to the rest of my friends that Violet was sleeping and she wouldn’t be waking up. I’m really grateful that our family came to see us and see Violet for the first time. They got to hold Violet and give her the love she deserves like they would wether she was here or not. I felt a relief that this was one hurdle conquered but how I could I tell everyone else?

One of my best friends was pregnant at the same as me it was the best pregnancy ever we could joke about the things that were happening to us ~ like morning sickness ~ we helped each other through the hard times and gave each other a little positivity when needed! I was dreading telling her, because she’s my best friend and I love her so much I knew how upset she would be and I wasn’t sure if leaving it any longer would only make it worse. I don’t even remember actually telling her, she knew I’d gone into labour as she had given birth to little Olivia 3 days before so it’d given me the push that I could get through child birth too and our baby’s would be born only a few days apart! I think i wrote a message saying ” it’s not good news” and that Violet was born with no heartbeat to this day it makes me sick to the stomach that I actually had to write those words to one of my best friends to say that my baby had died. A few weeks later she took me out for lunch, we sat and cried, cried and cried. I asked her how she felt when I told her about what had happened I was nervous because everyone reacts differently, it’s not something that gets said often. She had said that she was actually upstairs feeding her daughter, she picked up the phone and read the message “I screamed and cried and couldn’t believe it was happening”. Since the day I sent Steph this message I can’t live with out her.

That was one of my best friends told but what about the rest? I was ten days over due so by the time everyone had an inkling it was happening soon, I had messages from my friends asking if anything was happening and if I’d gone into labour and how I was. They were so excited and caring all I could do was cry I’d only just read the messages. How could I tell them….

We had decided that next we would tell our other best friends we wrote out a message ~ which I don’t remember writing, to them explaining that Violet was born and that she was born with no heartbeat. I didn’t know at the time they were actually going away for the weekend, they told us that when we told them there hearts broken and both cried not knowing what to say or do. When all I wanted to do was for someone to pick me up and take me away.

Going through losing your baby and then having to tell everyone is heartbreaking.

I wrote out another message and sent it to my other two best friends who by this point already knew which made it a lot easier. We wrote out a similar message and sent it to my two work friends and asked if they wouldn’t mind letting the other people I work with know, my manger and the director of the company. My friend at work had mentioned to me that our director was going to gather everyone together to let them know what had happened. He stood in the main office of where I work and read out my message. I can’t even begin to imagine how he felt and what everyone’s reactions were. I can only imagine and picture a wave of sadness over everyone’s faces. I still to this day look at the director and picture him stood there telling everyone my baby had died. One of the women I work with who was pregnant at the time had let me know that the whole office for around 2 weeks afterwards was not the same, everyone was really taken a back by what had happened to me and sadness really did draw over the whole company. Which you’d expect if you were a human. It takes great courage for a grieving parent to say these words to someone and that’s something that should be appreciated.

I’m not a fan of posting my whole life on social media, I hadn’t with Violet only snippets throughout my pregnancy. For some time after birth I hadn’t mentioned to anyone but family and friends about what had happened and that how we wanted it. In late November we had decided that we wanted to share our precious daughter with the world and let them know she was born but born “sleeping”. We did so and although it was painful it was nice to see how many people showed kindness and how many people showed that they were being dam right nosey.

Sharing news of when your baby is born is exciting although everyone “presumes” you have a baby and walk out with it. Wrong that is not always the case. I found it really difficult to tell my family and friends about Violet being born and they is no shame in that it’s personal, your still a mother and always will be. I do think the best way to let people know is to right out a thoughtful message with your baby’s name, weight and time and let them know that this is a difficult time for you with anything you would like including support ~ this is your loss and you have the right to say what you do and don’t want from people. I wrote in my message that we didn’t want to be bombarded with messages or being asked about what happened. Everyone took into consideration of what we had asked for and stuck by it, the girls at work took it in turns to message me therefore I didn’t have everyone messaging me at the same time. It sound’s silly and probably think I would never tell some one over a message but it’s easier for you and the other person. It gives the person your telling time for the news to settle in and acknowledge what’s happened rather than an awkward silence of not knowing what to say. Then they can reply or ring when they have thought about what to say.

It’s a very difficult path but I know for those who are reading this who have lost that you will be able to be happy again and walk down this path with hope just like we are.

Grace & Violet xox

“How are you?”

Since becoming a mother and a bereaved one I feel that no one wants to understand what it’s like to walk in our shoes and of course you don’t, you don’t want to know what it’s like to have something every one else has got or have that missing piece cut out of your heart. We don’t just get up one day and go oh wait I feel ok that’s it, it’s all over my grief has gone and I’ve completely forgotten I’ve got a daughter in heaven. Therefore everyone then thinks, back at work, going out she MUST be ok, well we’re not and from no on it’s time to start saying how I really feel instead of covering it up and thinking too much of everyone else feelings rather than mine own!

This is where this post began!

Support is something through the loss of a baby or a loved that we as humans rely on. Its also something that some of us don’t receive. In fact 90% of don’t, We might think we do but do we?

Walking for me down a path of baby loss is really difficult it also is a very lonely place. Once Violet had passed away i was gifted with thank yous, ‘I’m here for you’, ‘If you need anything let me know’ I know its only natural for this to happen and I’m really really grateful for the amount of love that was shown I know people said it because they care. But one day it just goes away like that it goes from millions of messages to nothing. Everyone has there own lives and I would never expect everyone’s lives to be put on hold for me. People DO forget because our loss is not your loss so this eventually goes to the back of everyone’s minds that’s only natural as humans.

The most hurtful thing whilst going through loss is no one talks about our children and no one asks how we are, ok so my daughter is not here yes she passed away so I understand it could be difficult for you to talk about as what would you talk about? but we talk about other children so why not mine? I wonder how many people know my daughters age today? I wonder how many people remember when her birthday is?

Just because I get up or go to work or even see you out some where does not mean to say I’m ok, because I’m not. You see the person on the outside, the smile on my face, the clothes I wear to dress like I’m having a “good day” the brave face that covers my aniexty, depression, grief and the loss of my daughter that is eating away inside of me. You won’t see this part of me because you probably never asked a genuine question of “how are you?”. I will never open up to those who don’t sit down with me and truly ask how I am, because you know what you might be scared to ask, you might get upset or have mixed emotions, you might think I don’t want to upset her what’s worse is when it’s not asked directly, I’m the one who has to get up every day with grief over my head and a label stuck to my forehead stating “that’s that woman who lost a baby”

Some times I do need a bit of shove and yes you will probably have to make the first move as I can honestly say I hardly message any one not because I don’t care because I do my family and friends mean the world to me, it’s because I have no energy. I use all my energy to get up in a morning and get myself dressed it might sound pathetic to you, for me it’s a massive achievement. I spend all my time and energy at work I come home exhausted with a mix of different emotions with a black cloud hanging over my head, Friday appears and all I want to do is stay at home with my husband and where Violet is rested. It will take me a really long time to stop grieving although I never will. It’s a really lonely place and some times we just need that push.

See there’s a difference supporting some one it could be sending a message “how are you”

Your most probably sat on social media, so what about a message ‘Are you ok’? Or a comment on a post, a like or share? ( this is another thing that gets me – everyone comments on photos of new borns and couples but not on my baby or us, Why? Because it’s upsetting for you? Well my baby is my baby and always will be and we must be some of the strongest couples out there, if that was my friend, relative I would be shouting from the rooftops that that person or baby is amazing and strong, So yes I want to share, like and comment because it hurts more when people don’t because your too scared (and I don’t mean that in a way of “I want attention ” because I don’t.)

A phone call ‘fancy a coffee and chat’?

A letter or card through the post

People show love and care in different ways, my mum for instance she always leaves me little presents around my house some times I don’t even notice them until a couple of days later recently she left me a little sign which quote “gnome sweet gnome” and left us a new washing up sponge! This is my mums love language and something that makes me smile every time I see it.

This is one time in our lives when we need people around, we need people to try and understand, we don’t want people saying “just crack on and have another baby” or “you just need to get on with it”, “move on” this is not support this is hurtful words!

We won’t always open up and we may say “I’m not up-to it today” but that’s because we may want to be alone, or having a bad day it’s not because we’re being awkward or “we don’t make the effort” it just might be that it’ll take a couple of times for us to say “yes ok” it’s just nice to be thought of remember it takes a lot for us to go out, I get anxiety every time I have to go some where even just going to work. I went to the supermarket yesterday and saw a family friend, some one who I haven’t seen for over 10 years. I automatically went like a cat in head lights but rather than him walking away and ignoring me he said “how are you?” “I don’t know what to say but we think about you” straight away my barriers fell right down, I knew I could have a conversation about Violet and what had happened and that’s where the difference lies.

To over come the fear of “I don’t want to upset anyone” or “I don’t know what to say” is to say something.

“You will never conquer the fear unless the fear is faced”

So say it and make it easier for us both.

It’s been 7 months now since Violet was born and I’m very grateful for the people in my life who have helped me through, give me a little push or have genuinely meant the word “I’m here for you” I honestly would be lost without them. I want you to talk about Violet MY daughter and I want you to take about loss I want people to be proud that us bereaved parents are doing the public and other parents out there proud! Remember if you feel worried about asking “how Are you” then don’t because your not the one grieving or having to go through loss we are and that’s more upsetting.

Sands recently put together a video which shows what it’s like to be us for part of a day, I hope this video brings some light into what we have to go through or help anyone understand.

https://youtu.be/wPovVrRSRlY

Grace & Violet xox

Having A Purpose

What’s your purpose in life?

Is it to survive in this world?

Or is it to put food on the table, work are arses off for that holiday, house or new car? Provide for our family’s?

In life we aren’t told what purpose is ours someone doesn’t say to us your purpose is this and that’s all you’ll do your whole life, it’s comes across us when we least expect it.

We simply don’t know our purpose until something happens, that could be a job you’ve been trying so hard at to accomplish which leads you into a job that your made for you, you just never knew it or a project you want to make work so badly because you know it will help others. It could be realising your niche for something you never even realised you had and now makes a massive impact on the world.

We just don’t know…..

For a very long time since I was a child I wanted to do everything to help others in a way that would make me smile and make me feel positive too knowing that I’ve helped another person. I knew this because when I was younger I wanted to be a nurse or vet but then realised I actually faint at the sight of blood! (Ask my dad he will tell you a funny story about when I took my pet to the vet!) since these options were out of the question I turned to beauty, beauty was a skill I could easily pick up and help others in a therapy way, (although now I deal with people on a daily basis in a different way) after all I hated school and hated sitting in a boring class room looking at a board.

My problem has always been with others, I expect to much I’m kind to people but why are they not kind to me? Because not everyone is the same as me or kind. You can’t give something to expect it back, life doesn’t work like that! Being kind is a pretty big thing, it’s hard to have and hard to give. I can not tell you how times I’ve been out and done the smallest act of kindness once I told a lady in the que in a shop I liked her shoes her face lit up like she’s never had a compliment before. I held the door open for an older man once he turned to me and said “no one these days does any sort of kindness especially not holding the door open”. I was really surprised.

Since having Violet I’ve realised she was brought into my world to give me purpose, to carry on my acts of kindness and to help other people in my situation. She is my special little girl and I knew from day she was born she would be.

I do everything for her she MAKES me get out of bed every day even when I don’t want to, makes me walk down the path I’m on even if it is a very difficult path of grief and heartache. Violet was brought into my life to show me I can be strong and I can do what I’m best at helping others, raising awareness and being the Voice that people will hear. Baby loss is now something very close to my heart so many people have contacted me to say “thank you” for spreading your story, raising awareness and being the voice we all want to hear it’s all very brave. My bereavement midwife recently contacted me and reminds me every time we speak how she can’t believe how far I’ve come in such a short period of time and how if she could I would walk the path of helping us like her with baby loss. We need more people in the world to be the voices of society with out everything becomes a taboo, just like baby loss.

I will do everything in my power and carrying on being the voice Violets wants me to be to help others, support them and tell my story to others to let them know “we are not alone”.

My question is what’s your purpose in life? Or is it simply just to survive….

Grace xox

Returning to Work

One of things I had planned in my mind was that I would be returning to work by March. Although it would have only been 4 months on I was determined I would be going back and leading a life of ‘new normal’ not only for me but to prove to myself and make my daughter proud that I could carry on with my new ‘normal life’ I knew deep down I would drive myself insane staring at the same four walls on my own in the house the home where I SHOULD be spending my time off with Violet. A lot of people had said don’t push yourself to go back take the time off, I did NEED the time off and I did NEED time to come to terms with what had happened. But I also NEED time to get back into a routine something I was really lacking.

Returning to work was not something on my mind at all I can honestly say I was dreading it, I didn’t know how I would feel especially if I was asked the dreaded words of

‘your back, hows the baby?’

I had visited my place of work to see my colleagues just before Christmas, not long after I had given birth. I had decided I needed to conquer a fear of seeing everyone, it had only been a month or so since i had seen a few of my work colleagues as Violets funeral I didn’t like the fact they saw me in that situation, shock and upset and I’m sure those images will never leave there mind because they will never leave mine.

I had planned to pop in and say hello, it took me a good few days to get ready and to prepare myself for what was about to happen and the fear of what I was about to conquer. It seems really petty to others I suppose in a way that they don’t understand to why it would bother me going into work and seeing everyone but whilst grieving its a massive thing!

I got in my car and set off shaking as I pulled up outside I knew I was only visiting and I could leave at any point. Walking into that building made my stomach fill with sickness, I should of been walking in there showing my new born baby to my work friends and being congratulated, hugged with happiness and cuddling little Violet instead I got asked a million questions on what happened, why I had couldn’t have a c-section, how I got so poorly, why Violet had died. I know people only asked because they care but for me to walk in was a massive achievement even if it was just visiting. My eyes filled up with tears as I hid away in my friends office as people came to say hello. It was nice to see everyone and everyone was very caring about what had happened but it still broke my heart with so much pain. It felt like I was walking on air and as I left i cried all the way home, it brought back so many memories, memories of when I worked there. I hadn’t even gone back to work and all I kept thinking was this is too soon.

The weeks were passing by and I felt more and more like I was going know where that time was standing still but everything else and the world was moving forward. Once we had got into February I was waiting for my review to be complete and find out some reasons why Violet had died. After this was complete I would be returning to work.

The day had arrived my first day back at work, I had prepared myself all week for this day and I knew it would be SO difficult, my god it really was! I pulled up in the car for 9am after everyone had started, i just sat there and cried I was shaking, I felt sick, I was hot and wanted to turn the car right around again and drive home. I kept reminding myself ‘Grace its only been 4 months and you’ve got in the car that’s an achievement in its self’ I messaged my friend at work saying I was here, she came out to get me and sat in the car with me and reassured me that I didn’t have to come in. After having a good cry to let it all out I left the car and walked into work, I said hello to the people I saw, although I felt like no one knew what to say. In ways it was good to feel that I hadn’t left as nothing had changed my job was the same so it was easy to fall back into it. I stayed with the lady who covered my job whilst I was off staying a few hours I decided to leave. I had spoke to my manager and discussed my options of when and how many days I wanted to work deciding I would return back on 4 days a week.

My first full day back at work I felt like I had a label stuck to my forehead reading ‘avoid me’  I do understand and do see things from other peoples point of view not just mine. I know people don’t know what to say but to avoid me completely is just as heartbreaking. When they saw me sat back on reception it was like Id always been there. I know I’m not the same person I used to be, I May not laugh at your jokes, I wont smile as often but I will put a face to cover my grief whilst in work. It’s so difficult to enter that building every single day I honestly cant tell you the anxiety it causes, I put myself through this pain and I do it for a reason. I know full well if I had the full 12 months off like I’m entitled to it would of been more of a struggle, i also didn’t want any longer off as I knew at some point I was hoping to be off again with a second pregnancy which was something Id already made my manager aware of, he was very heartfelt about my decision and said he would be very pleased if it was to happen again. Everyone at work was very caring and kind I could tell what had happened had really touched peoples hearts.

As the weeks passed by at work it was very tiring and very draining trying to return to daily life. Id spent the first few weeks of being off after giving birth in bed half crying for hours on end, I was totally drained. I suffered with headaches, dizziness and just felt awful it was like when you start a new job and your taking in all the new information there giving you!

Work was going well, I turned up every day (even though I do get high anxiety which is going to take a long time to go away) went my usual routine and completed my work and came home. Somethings were really difficult I knew full well what would happen, I sort of prepared myself for it but wasn’t sure how I was going to feel. The dreaded words had been said

“Aww your back already, hows the baby?”

I had said to my bereavement midwife not long before what will I say when someone asks me? how will I feel? what will I do? will I cry? will i feel nothing?

That time had arrived one of our couriers didn’t know I was back, they asked me that dreaded question. I filled up with anxiety, my chest went red, my eyes filled with tears. I decided the words I was going to say if anyone asked was “I had a little girl who was stillborn” after a few stares around the room the words came out of my mouth. The response I got was “I’m sorry”. They usually just stared at me blankly, which was fine I knew they wouldn’t know what to say because neither did I.

I sit at my desk at the front of the building, I am the first face everyone sees, I must be happy and smiley because that’s who I am (here’s where being able to put on a brave face comes in handy!) my desk is the same, everything’s the same apart from me I’m not the same, no bump, no baby just a grieving mother with a label stuck to her forehead. I sit there looking around and down to my stomach, last time I sat in this chair I was 9 months pregnant I certainly didn’t see myself sat back in this chair after 4 months the memories flood back, how exciting it was it wasn’t long until I’d be leaving and not coming back for at least a year! I’m honestly not sure how I will cope with another pregnancy and being at work it will certainly bring back memories of my pregnancy with Violet this will be another fear to conquer. I sometimes sit there and want to bang my head against the wall, why me? This pops into my head every day every time I see the new mummy’s with there newborns.

The days at work are passing by but theirs always one thing that comes up to push me over the edge. The sound, conversations and photos of other colleagues children and babies, honestly it’s heartbreaking for me. I can’t avoid it and I’m very happy for everyone around me who has a family but it causes so much pain something I knew was going to happen but I never thought how I was going to feel. I’ve rarely heard a baby cry and I’ve never heard my own daughters so to hear someone else’s when I’m sat in work brings back a thousand memories, I wish I could switch off completely. I have learnt to be kind to myself and when these situations arise to take myself away from the moment.

It was so strange because it’s only now I feel like I’ve been accepted back into my place of work, at first no one said anything only one person who stood next to me and said “I’ve not seen you yet and I wanted to tell you how nice it to have you back and to see you, and I hope you are ok” These words mean ALOT when you literally feel like shit most of the time. Maybe it’s partly my fault but I will never apologise for not smiling and for grieving. It’s difficult for me to start a conversation because I’m petrified, I’m petrified someone is going to mention something which will send me over the edge, I have no interests, I don’t know what to talk about anymore. Being a very chatty person then turning into someone quite is tough I’m trying to be two different people, which is constantly draining.

Tank you to my work colleagues for being kind and understanding following my path of grief xox

Work has become a usual routine now, get up, work, come home. Now moving forward to the day I walk in that building again with a baby in my arms.

How’s your baby?

Where do I start, there is actually no words to describe the pain. The pain of not having my baby by my side.

How’s your baby?

Errrr ‘I had a stillbirth’ the words I’ve not wanted to say for such a long time ~ is it acceptance that Violet has gone?

Yes.

To help me through my days of grief I’ve recently been reading a book called ‘saying goodbye’ by the wonderful author Zoe Clark-Coates this book has been written by Zoe who also has experienced loss. This book takes you on a path of 90 days walking through grief. In a post within the book it hits the nail on the head, something I wanted to blog about, others Mother’s being pregnant.

Before I was pregnant I never really noticed women with bumps, prams or children I did notice a little but never took any attention to it. During my pregnancy I noticed a few more things, now whilst I’m a mother and grieving I notice EVERYTHING!

It’s literally there being rubbed in my face 24/7!

~ adverts on the television

~ The instagram posts with newborns, births, baby clothes and bumps.

~ The lady who pulls up next to you in the car park she could of parked any out of the bays where I was parked but she had to pick the one next to me, out she pops all smiley with her newborn in the baby seat in the car.

~ The social media posts “We’re pregnant” “look at my bump” “not long till I’m due”

When I was pregnant I never announced my pregnancy on social media until a month before, one of the main reasons was because the year before in October my friend had a stillbirth. It scared me it was upsetting, I’d never cried like that before when I found out that her little girl had gone. We had decided to keep our pregnancy to family and friends only in a way i put myself in my friends shoes and thought what would I feel like if it was the other round? and I kept seeing posts of pregnancy announcements. Keeping it quite until we went on holiday a month before, we’d got through most of my pregnancy and didn’t think that now much could go wrong although it was something I knew happened. And it did……

As a bereaved parent I think about my daughter all the time every minute of every day, to see posts, news, tv adverts It’s absolutely soul destroying it’s not that I’m not happy for the new mums because I am I’m really happy it is the best thing that will ever happen to a woman, that bond when your baby is born is unbelievable it’s no love you can explain, it’s amazing and I’d do it 5 more times if I could!

I know what it’s like to become a mother and then your baby to be taken away from you within minutes and that’s what hurts so much I crave the love from Violet and long to hold her again in my arms.

I knew Violet would become my BFF and that connection for a mother and daughter would be an amazing feeling, it really does make me smile writing those words because although Violet is not here we have that connection. To see other mums with there babies especially friends or family its like no other pain I’ve experienced, deep down I’m craving for that bond again with my daughter.

Although I know I can’t hide away it’s something that I need to conquer and within time it will become easier for me and for all you bereaved parents too.

I hope this is helpful to you and gives you an insight on how grief can affect another mother or father. For now if I don’t congratulate you or like your post please don’t take it to heart because although I’m extremely happy I’m also heartbroken for me.

It’s ok for us bereaved parents to feel like this and we should certainly not feel guilty for feeling bad. It’s takes time to start feeling happy again.

One thing I’ve learnt is that all these people have babies and there is hope for all us other mothers too.

Do you have any tips or tools you use to help whilst grieving?

Grace xox

To speak or not to speak

A post on society’s actions whilst grieving & social media

If you saw me in public what would you do?

Would you say hi?

Would you ignore me?

Would you walk over and hug me?

Would you cross the street to avoid me?

Would you ask how I am?

I know what I would do if someone else was walking in my shoes, I would at least say hi and give a smile to that person.

Since grieving for the loss of our daughter I’ve found being ignored is one of the most common things. I do understand that most do not know what to say therefore don’t say anything and it can be just as upsetting for that person as well as it is for me, but being ignored or like nothing has happened is actually a lot worse. I know because this has happened many of times where people have looked at me then turned around and walked in a different direction. Now don’t get me wrong if I’m not feeling great I’ll always try and say hi but I may not stay and talk for me it’s difficult to leave the house let alone say hi to someone I think is going to approach me and ask about or where my baby is. Deep down my heart is broken so to walk around with a brave face on is hard it’s really hard so to feel like people can’t even say hi is difficult and upsetting. People have there own lives to deal with but please don’t act like nothing as happened either. Saying hi really does go a long way, there is no need for people to cross the street or ignore us because you don’t know what to say.

I’m not a big fan of social media but most recently it’s been my saviour. I have been connected with parents in a similar position to me and my god does it help! To see each other’s posts is comforting, we like & share each other’s photos of our baby’s. This is another point that has also come to light ~ sharing post’s.

Why is different for someone to post or share a post of someone who has had a baby & congratulate them? To someone who has had a baby who was born sleeping?

Non.

I know you maybe thinking well why would we? It could be upsetting? But there is no difference, us bereaved parents need that kind of support too. It may be upsetting but it’s also a thought. After speaking to other bereaved parents they told me they found that other mums who had have had baby’s had things put on social media by friends etc even when something had not gone to plan but not to this extent, congratulating them and saying how strong they are to go through what they have. I can honestly say that the parents I’ve spoken to haven’t had this. I can’t see why society can’t post or share things on social media or even tell there friends what a good job they are doing, I don’t mean splashing it all over social media but maybe a little “this is my friend and your doing amazing” It’s heartbreaking to hear stories from other parents.

It might sound big headed but I congratulate myself on the amazing thing I’m doing everyday wether that be getting out of bed and going to work or saying hello to someone I’ve not seen for a while. And you should too!

So here I am to make a stand to society to say WE are mothers too and do not be afraid to share, like and congratulate us on this difficult time we are going through we need the support and love!

To all the beautiful bereaved parents out there I wanted to let you all know you are doing amazing and we can get through this, it may takes months or it may take years but one thing I’ve learnt is to never lose hope.

Here to talk,

Grace & Violet xox